Paths Crossed
by fireball13
Summary: Just another story taking place right after the season 4 finale. Deeks and Kensi finally decide it is time to walk down the same road! But what happens when their path crosses with their past?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Special thanks to NCIS LA GIRL for helping me out with the story! You are a sweetheart!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS LA and it's characters**

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He tries to keep his eyes open, but his eyelids are heavy. He tries to concentrate on his surroundings, but all he can concentrate on is the excruciating pain that has taken over his body. He tries to estimate how many days he has been tied up to this chair, but he it's been long since he lost all sense of time.

Sam is still held in the white room exhausted and weak. He would rather die than give away his wife. He is a navy seal, strong and disciplined, but he finds it unbearable to hear Deeks screams anymore. He already regrets the harsh words he spoke to him. Words he didn't even mean. The pressure of this operation consumed him, so he ended up unleashing his distress on an easy target. Deeks!

Deeks though is anything but weak. He is not willing to break and of course he expects Sam to have done the same if Kensi was compromised. Even now on the edge of death he only thinks of her.

They say that before you die your whole life passes before your eyes. Well, in Deeks case the life he hasn't lived haunts his mind. Images of him and Kensi living happily ever after and living the perfect dream flood through his mind. But his dream soon becomes a nightmare when he realizes he is unaware of Kensi's safety.

Is she alive, injured or even dead? If she was captured, Sidorov would have brought her here for interrogation. He can't even bare to think what tortures they could use on her to make him and eventually her break. There is no doubt that if it comes to that point, he will spill everything. Kensi is above Michelle even if Sam hates him for it.

He hears the sound of the wheel and knows more pain is about to be inflicted. He closes his eyes and parts of him wishes he were dead. But no, he won't give them that satisfaction. After all he promised Kensi he would never do that and he is determined to keep that promise. He takes a deep breath, gives Sidorov the "Bring it on look" and then everything turns black again.


	2. Chapter 2

Kensi sits on her desk with her head buried in her hands. It's been 3 days since they lost all contact with Sam and Deeks. She is now on the verge of losing what's left of her sanity.  
She resists the urge to drive to Deeks house. She needs to connect with him somehow and feel that he is still alive.

He is not dead. He can't be dead. Those thoughts get her through the day.

She tries to remember the last thing she said to him. "_I'm sorry_?"

No, that is what she desperately wanted to say for accusing him of never speaking the truth. Yes, she was mad at him but not for lying. Hiding the truth is sometimes worst than lying about it.

"_I gotta stay with Michelle_."

How could those be the last words she said to him? Of course she took one last glimpse of him through the mirror and practically forced herself to keep on driving instead of coming back and falling into his arms. She wanted to return with every inch of her body, but her mind kept on reminding her to stay focused on the case.

All the anger that had being boiling up since the Monica case is now vanished. The hurt, disappointment, and maybe even some jealousy is still there, but not the fury. All this doesn't matter now. She is willing to forget the past as long as he comes back to her alive and well.

She lets a deep sigh and rests her forehead on the desk with her hands on top. Her body still feels sore from the hand to hand compact she had with one of the Russians.

She managed to shoot the blonde one right before pulling Michelle up, but then the brunette continued to fight back. Michelle was in no position to fight, so Kensi ended up fighting with the brunette with all the strength she had left. The only strength she had left.

As soon as she took her out she collapsed on the floor and tried to control her heavy breathing. When she eventually caught her breath she informed everyone back in the ops about their status.

Hetty didn't fill her in about Deeks and Sam until she was back in the ops since she knew her reaction would affect her focus. At the sound of the words "Deeks is missing," she felt her heart stop.

Time stood still for a few minutes until she was able to process their meaning. Suddenly all her feeling started to consume her. Denial, anger, depression, regret. These are the stages of grief but she can't be grieving because Deeks is not dead.

The Russian girl is held in the boathouse and she wants to just beat the truth out of her. She definitely knows Sidorov's hideouts but hasn't spilled a word in these 3 days. All of them are starting to lose their temper. They know that each minute that goes by is just another nail on Sam's and Deeks coffin.

She still sits on her desk, lost in her thoughts when suddenly Callen come in practically shouting "We have a location! She finally made a deal."

She raises her head and feels her heart beating once again. There is still hope. Adrenaline kicks in and in just a few seconds she is up and ready for the rescue mission. She takes a deep breath before boarding the car and a small smile forms on her face. He is alive, she knows it and he is waiting for her to rescue him. This time it will be her turn to save the prince in distress, but will they live happily ever after?


	3. Chapter 3

Gunshots….loud voices….gunshots again. Is he dead? Is this hell? No, it can't be because he hears Kensi's voice somewhere in the distance and she would only be in heaven. Is this a dream? Again no, cause in his dreams he feels no pain and right now it's killing him.

He wants to scream her name but so much blood keeps coming out his mouth that he chokes. But then he feels her hands gently on his cheeks, and smells the scent that he will never forget, Sunshine and Gunpowder.

He is alive. The agony she felt all these days is now replaced by a stab in her heart. He is in a state she wishes she would never have to witness. He is bloody, weak, helpless and fragile. She wants to cry but forces herself to remain calm. After all the operation is not over yet. As soon as she saw Deeks tied up to that chair she ran to him ignoring the gunshots that she barely dodged.

"Deeks, come on open your eyes."

He tries to move but his body is not reacting to his commands. He can't even open his eyes.

"DEEKS YOU PROMISED ME, SO OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES!"

She is now practically yelling at him, hoping he responds with a cheesy comment like he always does.

His whole body reacts at the sound of her distressed voice like a wake up call and tries to speak but all he can do is cough more blood. She holds his head up whipping the blood with her sleeve whispering reassuring words to him.

He finally manages to open his eyes. Those blue eyes she thought she'd never see again.

"I am here," she whispers as she brings her forehead close to his.

They lock eyes for a moment and he forces a smile on his face.

"What took you so long fern?"

She wants to punch him right now but just grins at him as she knows he must be in terrible pain right now. She quickly sets him free and helps him stand up.  
"Can you walk?"

"Only if you help me."

Part of her thinks this is just another of his joke, but as he struggles to make a step the sad realization hits. He is not kidding.

Then, she hears more gunshots and takes a quick look at the empty white room. Callen must have freed Sam while she was aiding Deeks but the fight is not over yet. If it were, they would have let the paramedics in.

She places her arm below Deeks shoulder and help him take small steps but suddenly they both freeze as they look up to see Sidorov has entered the room.  
Deeks makes an effort to push Kensi out of the way but he is no strong enough and she out powers him. With just one move she lets Deeks fall but before she has time to grab her gun form her waist as Siderov's fires a shot. Thankfully the bullet just scratches her upper arm so she still has the strength to reach for her gun and fires 2 rounds at him.

Her arm is bleeding and hurts like hell but all she worries about is Deeks.

"I am sorry," she tells him as she kneels next to him and helps him stand up once again.

"For what? Saving my life? I know you were angry at me but this reached a new level of hate."

This time she can't resist and punches him softly before smiling, "You know what I mean."

Silence has taken over the house as she leads him outside and into the care of the paramedics. She knows she can't do anything more to help him right now so she lays him on the stretcher where he quickly falls into oblivion. The paramedics work on him and while she looks around for Callen and Sam.  
She is relieved to find them both in the ambulance right next to Deeks. Sam looks exhausted but doesn't have the obvious scars of torture like Deeks. He lies on the stretcher while Callen remains next to him.

She places her hand on Callen's shoulder, "Is he going to be ok?"

"He is tough! How is Deeks? He looks like hell."

"It looks bad, really bad, but he is Deeks. He will be making inappropriate jokes in no time."

The sound of her voice gives her doubts away and is saying this mostly to reassure herself.

On the way to the hospital she refuses to follow with her car. She needs to be with him even if he is deeply sedated right now. Now that everything is over, the missiles are found and Siderov is dead she has time to think about the future, a potential future with him.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been 9 hours since they arrived at the hospital and she only left his side when they wheeled him into the emergency room but still she waited right outside the room. The literally had to drag her into another exam room in order to check her own injury. Even though the bullet only scratched her arm, the wound was quite bloody and looked like it would leave a mark. She didn't care though; her mind was still on Deeks.

Thankfully neither he, nor Sam had to go into surgery. The doctor informed Michelle that they are going to keep Sam for a couple of days. The electroshock they used on him night have affected his internal organs so they have to check his vitals frequently.

On the other hand, Deeks recovery will take much more time. He has fractured ribs as well as wrists, multiple cuts and severe injuries in his mouth. Nothing that time can't heal. Well, at least that's what Kensi thought when they informed her about his condition.

She walks slowly into his room. This is the first time she sees him since they arrived at the hospital. They have washed the blood off his face and body and he is now wearing a hospital gown. He has a few stitches on his cheek and both his wrists are bandaged. He is sleeping and she can't help herself from smiling at the sight of him. He seems so peaceful and she finally lets out a deep breath of relief.

She sits on the chair right next to his bed and gently strokes his fingers with hers. He obviously hasn't slept in four days so she tries to be as quiet as possible.  
The dead silence that takes over the room leaves Kensi alone with her thoughts.

The kiss they shared and the unspoken words that their eyes revealed.  
She loves him, there is no doubt about that, even thought she can't find herself to actually admit it out loud. Her mind is telling her that this has gone too far. They are partners and something more than that might jeopardize their work and friendship. Both Callen and Sam had to make a choice when they faced the same dilemma. Now, Callen is all alone and Sam's wife has quit her job to save her family.

Kensi loves her job. Even though she joined NCIS to find the murderer of her father, she ended up loving it. The same way she ended up loving Deeks. She can't imagine losing him over another partner. No! They can make this work. They have waited too much and life is too short. She would rather hate herself for trying and failing, rather than giving up before hand.

She even surprises herself with her decision and a smile slips her lips. She looks at him again and deep down in her heart she is absolutely certain that she wants to spend the rest of her life with this man. She wants to wake up every morning in his arms. She even considers having kids with him and just the thought makes her laugh.

Deeks wakes up at the sound of her laughter. If he could use it as for his alarm clock he would.

"Are you laughing at me fern?"

Kensi raises herself a bit from the chair and holds his hand. " I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, my mouth did. The pain is killing me."

She can't stand seeing him like this, admitting that he is in pain. "Do you want me to get one of the nurses to increase the dose of the painkillers?"

He looks at her and for a moment all his pain is gone. "No. You are my strongest painkiller."

Kensi doesn't know how to respond and once again their eyes do all the talking while their fingers are tangled together. They don't even realize they are doing it. If someone was watching them right now he would think they are having a telepathic conversation.

Deeks moves a little bit to make room for Kensi in his bed and pulls her with him and she can't seem to resist him. Her body has a mind of its own so she lies right next to him, careful not to press his wounds.

This is a unique intimate experience for both of them, yet so comforting and just right. Like two pieces of a puzzle they complete each other in a way they never imagined. Well maybe Deeks imagined. Why did they have to wait so long? Why do people only admit their feeling out of fear of losing each other?

None of this matters anymore. All that matter is the here, now and future they can build together. They have always chosen different directions, they have overcome every obstacle fate has put in their paths but now it is time for them to walk down the same road. Even now and again it may be difficult to cross but at least they have each other. Soon, they fall into a deep sleep in each others arms dreaming about the new tomorrow and all they have to look forward to.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam is released from the hospital only four days after he was admitted. Before leaving he paid a visit to Deeks since he hadn't thanked him yet for saving his life.

He walks into his room and is surprised to see Deeks and Kensi sleeping in each other arms. He wonders when their relationship reached this new level and knows deep down inside that they both deserve this happiness.

He decides not to wake them up and as he leaves the room he bumps into Callen who also witnesses the sweet moment between the two partners.

"Did you know about this?" Sam asks him.

"I guess this is as new to us as it is for them."

They both smile and head towards the exit where Michelle is waiting for them in the car.

"You think Hetty knows?" Sam asks before entering the car.

Callen raises his eyebrow. "Hetty always knows. I bet she even gave them her blessing."

Sam smiles "Huh, she must really believe in them."

"Don't you?" Michelle asks before turning on the engine and driving off.

Of course all of them have faith in them. No matter how hard Kensi and Deeks tried to hide it all these years it was obvious to the whole world. They are made for each other.

The two weeks go by very quickly with Kensi at his side. He enjoys having her pampering him and fulfilling his every need and want. She knows he is taking advantage of his situation and softly hits him from time to time for it – old habits die hard after all – but as soon as she sees him in pain she immediately regrets her move.

Every night she feels him struggling in his sleep and every morning he pretends he doesn't remember anything about it. Of course he remembers, nightmares are hard to forget. This kind of denial reminds her of Jack. He was also having nightmares that he refused to talk about with her.

A sudden terror starts to take her over as she fears Deeks might turn into Jack. She still doesn't know how much this operation has affected him and this "ignorance" nearly drives her crazy. He acts like Deeks but there is darkness in his eyes that wasn't there before. Every day she tries to make him open up but he refuses all kind of conversation concerning the operation and quickly changes the subject.

She knows better than to put pressure on him so she lets him off the hook for now. He needs time to heal and she will be there along his side to help him.

The time has finally come to leave the hospital. Kensi has already dropped by his apartment in order to clean, do the laundry and of course take care of Monty.

She thought about moving some of her clothes to his place just in case he needed her there, but decided it wasn't her decision to make and it might overwhelm Deeks. If he really wants her there all he has to do is ask. Though, she keeps a backpack in her trunk just in case.

"Are you ready?" she asks him as she picks up his backpack.

He takes one last look around the room. "Yeah, I think we took everything. We can go."

"I do have one complaint though to the hospital," he says as they walk out of the room.  
Kensi looks at him curiously. "What is that?"

"They never let you bathe me," he says as he gives her his most seductive look.

"Oh, Deeks you are lucky you are recuperating, but one of these days you will pay for all the things you've said and done while here."

"Come on sunshine, you know you wanted to. That way you could wash my silky hair, feel my…."

Before he has a chance to finish his sentence Kensi pushes him out the door. "Don't say it!"

"All I was gonna sat was my soft skin. Jeez, what did you think I was gonna say?"

"Nothing! Just move Deeks and... welcome back," a huge smile escapes her lips as her partner seems to be back in his old self. Well, at least his jokes.

On the ride home Deeks thinks about asking her to move in with him for at least a few days. His wounds haven't totally healed yet, his hands are still in pain and to be honest he kind of got used to sleeping with her on his side. Not in an erotic way, the way they touched each other was always innocent, harmless and both of them felt safe.

Just as they arrived at the house the question spills out of his mouth.

"Do you mind staying with me? At least for a couple of days until the pain goes away and I can take a bath by myself?"

"Deeks, I am telling I am not bathing you," she tries to look angry but when she sees the sincere look on his face she realizes he is not kidding. He wants her to help him and the fact that he actually admits it is a huge step.

He looks at her straight in the eyes practically begging her to say yes she is not used to seeing him this way.

"I am not leaving you until you get better. Not even when you get sick of me." she tells him with a twinkle in her eye.


	6. Chapter 6

The moment that Deeks and Kensi walked into his apartment he expected Monty to come running at him. To his surprise thought the hairy dog ran happily towards Kensi. She kneels down and strokes him lovingly on the head leaving Deeks completely speechless.

"How many times have you been here while I was at the hospital?"

She stands up and smiles. "A few, what? You wanted me to let him starve to death?"

He sits on the couch trying to hide the sighing of pain. "Of course I don't want hime to starve! But it looks like you did more than feed him."

He takes a look around the living and touches the surface of the coffee table next to him. "You actually cleaned this place!"

She looks at him pretending to be offended. "You just came out of the hospital. What did you expect? To leave you among the germs than were nesting all over?"

He smiles at her and looks at the floor feeling touched by her gesture. He never thought Kensi would become a housewife just for him, but before his has time to picture her in a maid costume she snaps at him.

"Stop!"

"Stop what?" he looks at her shocked. "I didn't do anything."

"Stop thinking of me in a maid costume," she says as she moves to the bedroom with his backpack.

"That doesn't help when you're walking towards my bedroom." He yells back

He can't help but laugh. It is amazing how this woman always knows what he thinks. He gets up and follows her to his bedroom where she puts his clothes back in the closet. Even though she has never done this before, she instinctively knows the right place for each of his clothes. She feels so comfortable being around his house that it actually surprises her.

When she is finished she turns around to see him staring at his bed.

"Deeks, Is there something wrong?"

He looks at her hopes she won't take what he is about to say the wrong way. "Do you realize that this is a one bedroom house?"

She looks at him confused and not quite sure where he is going with this.

"So what?"

"We already shared a bed at the hospital so you don't have to sleep on the couch or anything."

The realization finally strikes her and suddenly she feels a wave of panic surrounding her. Back at the hospital it was different. It was like hanging on to each other so that no one would ever separate them again. What are they doing right now though? Are they a couple? They haven't spoken a word about the kiss or the future of their "thing", so where does that leave them?

He sees the hesitation in her eyes "Or I can sleep on the couch if you want me to."

She can't help but smile. He is still sore but willing to spend the night on the narrow couch to avoid pressuring her.

"It's fine Deeks. We will both sleep on the bed just in case you need help during the night. Besides, I kind of got used to your snoring."

"I don't snore!" he yells at her as she walks back in the living room.

The night has come and to their surprise they managed to get through the day without wanting to kill each other. Hetty even called them in order to inform them that she has granted the whole team an absence of leave. Each one of them has a lot of physiological and physical healing to do and she is more than willing to provide them as much time as needed.

They both sit on the couch watching TV with Monty between their legs, but Deeks soon feels his eyes shutting. He looks so funny, desperately trying not to fall asleep but Kensi starts to feels sorry for him.

She softly nudges him with her elbow. "Come on, let's go to sleep."

To her surprise he doesn't respond with a cheesy comment. Instead, he stands up and reaches out his hand prompting her follow him.  
They both changed into their pajamas a while ago so they just lay below the covers. He even remembers the fact that she can't sleep unless on the right side of the bed and lays on the left.

"Hey, don't forget your painkillers," she reminds him as she gives him the pills along with a glass of water.

He swallows them without complaint and falls asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow. The doctor insisted he takes the painkillers for at least another 2 weeks. His mouth has still a lot of healing to do and his bones are not strong yet. The psychiatrist also gave him some antidepressants to avoid potential PTE.

He looks peaceful while sleeping but she just can't bring herself to relax and rest. She is worried about him. Even if he still won't admit it he has nightmares. More than a few times he woke up at the hospital panicked and soaked in sweat. But maybe now in his own environment he will feel safe.  
Suddenly she hears him struggling, tossing and turning. Immediately she stands up, opens the light and moves herself to his side.

"Deeks, wake up."

Thankfully at the sound of her voice he opens his eyes and looks at her relieved. At least this time he woke up at once. When they were at the hospital she had to at least nudge him 3 times before he would wake up.

She strokes his cheek and moves his hair from his face. "It's over now. I am here."

It takes him a few minutes to control his breathing but when he does he gives a sweet smile.

"Was I snoring?" Once again he tries to avoid talking about it. All he does is ** her off more.

"Deeks, seriously? Fine, you don't want to talk about it but at least don't lie to me. I am here to help you remember?"

He doesn't say anything. Instead he breaks the eye contact and gazes at the ceiling instead. She lets out a sigh of disappointment and lays down again, only this time turning her back on him ostentatiously.

He doesn't like it when she is mad at him. That's one of his weak spots. He slowly moves closer to her until she can feel his breath on her neck and hears him whisper in her ear. "We'll talk. But please not now, not today. Don't be mad at me."

He wraps his arm around her and reaches for her hand tangling their finger together. She doesn't have to say anything. The fact that she lets him hold her like this is all the proof he needs that he is off the hook for now. Without realizing it he kisses her neck and drifts into sleep once again.

The rays of the sun sneaking through the curtains the next morning find them in the exact same position


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: Thank you all for following. I do my best for quick updates!**

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He wakes up the next morning when a ray of sun sneaks through the curtain. He can't believe he actually slept through the whole night without a hint of nightmares visiting him. He looks at her and she is still sleeping in his embrace. He avoids making the slightest move out of fear of waking her up, so he just lays there enjoying the peaceful moment. But still it isn't enough. He wants to be as close as possible to her so he buries his head in her neck and tries to draw her even closer while their hands are still holding.

Thank God the medication his is taking has side effects; otherwise this would turn really awkward for the both of them. The doctor warned him that as long as he is under treatment and taking the pills, any sexual contact might be impossible.

To be honest, even without the side effects he has trouble thinking about sex right now. His body is still sore and his mouth still healing. He hasn't taken off the bandages from his wrist and the small fracture on his leg is still hurting.

So, he just lays there thinking about how perfect life can be when you wake up in the arms of the person you love. He feels her trying to sift her body as she slowly opens her eyes.

"Good morning sunshine," he smiles at her while his thumb caresses her hand.

She tries to stretch and a small moan escapes. "Good morning! How long have you been awake?"

He looks at the clock and it's barely 8:00. "Not long, just a couple of minutes."

She gets up and tries to find her robe. "Go take a shower and I'll make you some breakfast."

"See, I was kind of hoping you would join me in the shower," he gets pointing the bathroom with his head.

She can't help but laugh at him. "Seriously Deeks? You are cheerful even at 8 in the morning? God, you'll never change," she sighs as she moves towards the kitchen.

"Oh come on! You know you don't want me to change," he yells at her before heading to the bathroom.

She opens a can of food for Monty and then takes out from the fringe the donuts and peanut butter sandwiches she knows he loves. It is not an ideal or healthy breakfast, but at least it is way better that the jello ha had been eating at the hospital for 10 days.

When the table is set she walks to the bathroom and slowly opens the door unable to resist a peek.

"In all seriousness Deeks, are you doing ok? Do you need any help?"

Just then he suddenly open the door wide open startling her. "I knew deep down inside you can't resist the urge to bathe me Kens."

His hair is soaking wet and he is wearing nothing but his towel around his waist.

He looks at her straight in the eyes taking one step closer to her until their just a breath away.

"Deeks!"

"Yes Kens?"

"You are dripping all over the floor," she snaps at him and turns her back on him walking away. "And I am not cleaning it up!"

He shakes his head and smiles. He doesn't ever know what to expect of her. She has always been unpredictable and sometimes even hostile to his teasing and flirting but right now he needs to know. He made the move and proved her that actions are more important than words, even if that risked their future not only as partners but as friends as well.

He is certain that she feels scared but is has to end; avoiding and hiding behind their feelings only builds up their suppressed emotions.

He gets dressed, walks to the kitchen and finds her filling Monty's bowl of water. He looks at her for a moment and knows that he could get used to having her around his house. In fact, he is already used to her!

They sit around and have breakfast while playing with Monty in the meantime. After they are done Deeks proposes they go to the beach. Of course he knows he can't surf but has to at least feel the sea breeze on his face.

It is a cloudy day and the beach is nothing but crowded. They sit on the sand and let Monty play in the water that he so much loves.

They sit side by side and for a few minutes no one says a word even though they both have the same thoughts. Then, Deeks decides they have waited long enough. He takes her hand kisses it and holds it close to his heart while with his other hand he hugs her and pulls her closer. She looks at him surprised but all of a sudden her body seems to have a mind of its own. Without realizing it she rests her head on his shoulder and moves he legs between his.

They just sit there watching the sea and no words escape their lips for what seems like forever. He kisses her forehead and then raises her chin just so she can look at him. Then his lips gently meet hers and she closes her eyes. The same sensation that took her over during their first kiss surrounds her once again.

This kiss is not a result of passion and lust. It is a result of pure and unconditional love. When they finally break the kiss, they look once again at each other eyes and they know. They are meant to be together and they are going to fight for their happy ending.


	8. Chapter 8

The ride home from the beach was quiet. Kensi of course did the driving but that didn't stop her from sharing loving looks with Deeks. They are actually going to try to make this relationship work and even though they should be scared about it, they are relieved. They are happy!

By the time they reached home it was night. A whole day went by and they never bothered to even eat. They just sat on the beach in each other arms. Soon enough though, Monty started whining.

"Well someone looks hungry," Deeks says as he pets his head.

"To be honest I am kind of hungry too," she admits holding her stomach. "Do you want take out or should we cook something?"

He sits lazily on the couch. "Kens come on. You're going to cooking? Do you even know how to turn on an oven?"

She looks at him angrily and offended as she points her finger at him. "Hey! You sure know how to mess up a perfectly good mood. For your information Mr. Deeks I do know how to cook! I just chose not to."

Wow, she must be really mad at him to use the "Mr." reference. She turns her back on him but before she can make a step he gets up and hugs her from behind. One arm resting on her waist while he holds her with the other around her neck.

"You know I am only kidding," he gently whispers in her ear.

She can't be mad at him for more than five seconds. God, she hates and loves this effect he has on her.

"You've done more than enough taking care of me. Let's just order some pizza and relax," he says as he pulls her down on the couch with him.

"Deeks, we have been on the beach all day. Haven't you relaxed enough?" she laughs at him.

"I just want to spend as much time as possible with you;" he pulls her even closer until her head is resting on his chest.

She can't deny the fact that all she wants is being with him. The sound of his heart beat is so serene and almost hypnotizing. But soon the sound of her stomach ruins the moment.

"I am sorry," she laughs. "It's just that I am really hungry."

"Now that you mention it I also feel this strange crave for food," he growls before literally attacking her and gently bites her neck.

She laughs harder than she has ever laughed before. She tries to draw him away but is afraid she might hurt him as his body is still quite fragile.

"Down boy, bad dog," she yells at him but he continues licking and biting her like a happy puppy.

Finally Monty jumps to the rescue and pulls Deeks off of her.

"You Brutus! What the hell is she feeding you? You love her more than me?" he asks him looking betrayed.

After a while they manage to control themselves and have their pizza dinner. Soon they are lying on the couch again watching quietly TV.

Of course they are watching ANTP and Kensi is so focused on the show that she doesn't realize Deeks has fallen asleep.

Suddenly, he starts struggling once again. "When are these nightmares gonna stop?" she thinks as she tries to wake him up.

"Deeks, come on wake up," this time he doesn't respond at once.

"Deeks please wake up!"

He opens his eyes, pulls himself up and looks around as if his is trying to find something. He only calms when he sees Kensi sitting next to him and lets out a sigh of relief.

She gently strokes his cheeks and kisses his forehead. "It's ok! I am here. I am not going anywhere."

"Do you promise?" he almost pleads her.

It breaks her heart seeing him like this. "Of course I promise. I am not leaving you. Get used to it," she smiles at him but the darkness never seem to leave his eyes.

"Please talk to me. I can't help you unless I know what scares you so much."

He hesitates for a moment and swallows hard. " YOU! You are my fear."

She slightly moves back. This is not at all the response she waited for.

"I don't understand. Why are you afraid of me?"

He takes her hand and draws her close to him again. "I am not afraid of you. I am afraid for you."

"There is no need to be scared Deeks. I'm fine, nothing ever happened to me."

A sad smile escapes his lips. "You think I don't remember?"

"Remember what? I don't understand."

"The day you rescued me, when Siderov walked in you pushed me down to protect me."

She still can't figure out where going with this. "Deeks you could barely walk. I was ready and armed; of course I would do anything to protect you."

"And you ended up getting shot," he says as he strokes the still obvious scar on her upper arm.

"It was just a scratch, it was nothing. In a few days there won't be a scar to show. First time I got shot and I won't have a mark to show for," she tries to lighten the mood but it is vain and he nervously stares the floor.

"You want to know what my nightmare is?" he asks as he turns he gaze on her again.

Kensi just nods and holds his hand.

"It is not just one nightmare. It's all the cases we ever worked on. But instead of solving them in the end something always goes wrong."

His breathing becomes faster and can't seem to utter the words. "Something always goes wrong and you always end up dead."

Her eyes widen. This is not all what she expected. She always assumed the nightmares were linked to his abduction.

"Deeks look at me," she places her hands on his face and forces him to look at her straight in the eyes.

"Those cases are past and gone and I am right here with you, talking to you, holding you, feeling you," her hand slips down his neck and then his heart.

"What if Siderov had gotten you instead of me?"

"We can't live our lives based on 'what ifs'. We are both here, alive and ready to go down the path we have chosen. Don't torture yourself, please. "

"I can't risk losing you Kens. Even when I was on the edge of death, all I could think about was you! I didn't care if I was going to die. All I cared about was your safety and the fact that I wasn't with you to protect you."

"I didn't need protection. It is our job and we face this kind of dangers every single day. But we are good at it and we are going to continue doing it. We are going to use our fears and pain to make us better agents. And we have each other to make us better people."

He wants to ask. He has to ask. This question haunts him since the day of the kiss. "Why did you leave?"

"When did I leave? "She looks confused.

"After I kissed you, you basically ran away from me and didn't even look back."

"Is that what you think?" she looks at him hurt.

"All I wanted to do is fall in your arms and kiss you like there is no tomorrow. But, we were in the middle of a serious op. Michelle counted on me and I wouldn't let her down. I never expected all hell would break lose. Each day that went by and I didn't know if you were alive, the more I regretted leaving you," She tries hard to hold back the tears but it gets harder and harder.

"Promise me you will never scare me like that again," the sound of her voice is almost threatening but he doesn't answer.

"PROMISE ME," she now yells at him.

He pulls her close to him until she is crying in his arms. "I will promise you as long as you promise me, you will never put my life above yours."

She doesn't make a sound because she knows she can't keep that promise and neither can he. They just lay there trying to calm themselves down. She holds on to him as if she tries to trap him in her embrace so that he will never leave. He holds on to her like a guardian angel sworn to always protect her.


	9. Chapter 9

A month has gone by and Deeks is good as new by now. Only a couple of days to go and he will be completely off all his meds. That means no more side effects, which leads to taking his relationship with Kensi to the next, more intimate, level.

He wants to make love to her more than anything in the world and his knows she wants this as well. Every night they go to sleep they press their bodies so close to each other as if there can be no barrier between them. He has never waited this long with any of his past relationships, but that's what makes this one special. The waiting and longing; and the fact that it wasn't his choice.

They practically live together now and have even scheduled the time spent at each house. Three days a week they spend the days at Kensi's and four days a week at Deek's. They miss their job but they love spending time together more, so they take advantage of the time given as much as possible. Hetty can call them any minute now and ask them back. As far as Nell told her the last time they spoke on the phone, even Sam was all better and eager to come back along with G.

It is now Thursday, and just like every Thursday the stay at Deek's place. They started a Scramble marathon two weeks ago and he is driving her crazy with all the amazing words that he comes up with.

"I am telling you Deeks fourthly is not a word."

"Of course it is. You are just mad that I came up with it first."

She doesn't have the patience to argue with him anymore. She goes along with everything he says but has warned him. Once he is off the meds and officially healthy again, there will be no more pampering from her behalf. Things will be as they used to with the only exception that they share a bed now at night.

Before Kensi has time to write down her own word Monty stars whining in front of the door.

"It looks like someone has to go to the bathroom," Kensi says as she turns around to look at him.

Deeks gets up and picks the leash from the table. "Don't worry I'll take him out."

"Oh no you won't mister! Don't forget it's your turn to cook today, so I'll take him out while you go ahead and cook me something delicious." She distracts him with a kiss and grabs the leash from his hands.

"Works every time," she smiles at him as she walks to the door.

He shakes his head and can't believe he fell for that again, but every time she kisses him time seems to stop and nothing else matters.

He opens the fridge but before he can scout the interior there is a knock at the door.

"Did you forget your keys Sugarbear?" he says out loud but when he opens the door he faces an unexpected guest.

"Sam!"

"Hey Deeks! Mind if I come in?"

"Em, sure," he steps aside and lets Sam in the house.

"Don't worry I won't stay long. I just want to say a few things."

Deeks looks at him confused. "Ok, can you tell them while sitting down?" he asks as he points towards the couch.

Sam finally sits, and for the first time since Deeks knows him he looks nervous. "So, speak!"

Finally Sam makes eye contact. "Please don't interrupt me until I am finished."

Deeks nods. "Ok!"

"I know I said to a lot of things that I didn't mean. It's not that I don't like your clothes, or your haircut or even your personality. It was hard for me to accept the fact that someone so different from me could be as good as me. You are a good cop, a good man and we are lucky to have you in our team. Both Michelle and I owe you our lives and I can never repay you for that."

Deeks listens to him speechless as he did not expect this confession from Sam. He just sits there staring at him.

Sam gets up and heads to the door. "You don't have to say anything. Just come back quickly."

Before he opens the door he notices Kensi's bag on the hanger.

"So, you two are now living together?" he asks looking at the bag.

Are they? Are they not? Ever since they came back from the hospital they have been together 24-7. He has stuff at her apartment, she has stuff at his….so basically they live together.

"Yes!" is all he can utter and help himself from smiling.

Sam looks at him both happy and concerned. "Do you know what you are doing?"

"What do you mean? Of course I do!"

"Don't make promises you can't keep and don't give her false hopes unless you are determined to commit to her."

Deeks looks at him offended and quite angry. "I love this woman more than anything in the world and I will do everything in my power to make her happy and keep her safe."

"Have you two thought of the consequences it might have on your job?"

"Hetty approves, so I guess I have nothing more to worry about," he says with a steady voice.

"I've been where you are right now. G as well. And looks at us, we both had to make sacrifices."

"Maybe your love wasn't as strong as ours."

Sam looks at him and smiles. To be honest he is quite proud of him right now. He never thought of Deeks to be so determined when it comes to love.

"So, make it work," he says before walking out the door.

Deeks lets out a deep breath. "We will!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** **Thank you all for following and I really hope you enjoy the story so far.**

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Just when Kensi and Deeks finally decided it was time to go back to work, Hetty informed them that she granted another two weeks vacation due to summer. Part of them though, really wants to get back to their old routine and start planning the rest of their life.

Deeks is finally off the meds and the side effects have started to fade away. That means they can take the next step. A step that they both want and need. They didn't get a chance to properly celebrate their one month anniversary but now Deeks has made great plans over a romantic dinner, walk on the beach and then….wherever it leads.

This is the last day of the week they spend at Kensi's apartment and it involves pizza night. They have already ordered it and Kensi is taking a bath while Deeks waits for the delivery guy. Finally the door knocks. He opens but to his surprise it is not the usual pizza guy. Instead there is tall muscular man standing in front of him who looks just as surprised as Deeks.

"Oh, I am sorry! I must have gotten the wrong apartment," he apologizes before Deeks has time to speak.

Just then Kensi comes out from the bathroom and walks towards Deeks. "Is pizza h…."

Before she has a chance to finish the question she freezes at the sight of the mysterious man.

"Kensi? Oh my God I did find you!" the man says excited but Kensi doesn't share his enthusiasm. Just as he takes one step ahead she moves back and holds Deek's hand. Deeks instinctively feels the danger and draws her protective behind him.

"Excuse me, who are you?" he asks as his places his hand on the door's case prohibiting him from entering the house.

"Kensi it's me, come on," he replies but not addressing directly to Deeks question. He tries to look at Kensi instead.

Deeks is beginning to lose his patience and alarm bells go off in his mind as Kensi has still not spoken a word.

"I am talking to you! Who the hell are you?" his voice is now firm icy and almost spitting fire.

The man finally looks at him and full of arrogance replies "I am her fiancée."

Deeks turns around to see the now trembling out of fear Kensi. She doesn't have to speak or nod. Just he look in her eyes speaks volumes. It is Jack, but she doesn't want that him there and Deeks knows it.

"After the 8 years absence I doubt you have the right to that title," he says now looking at him again.

Jack is also starting to lose his temper by now. "Kensi please look at me."

She hesitantly looks at him but still hides behind Deeks holding tight his hand.

"Kensi, I am just here to apologize. I know now that abandoning you like that 8 years ago was a mistake. I was selfish, damaged and after leaving you I reached rock bottom. But I'm back now. I got help and my psychiatrist says I should make up for all my past mistakes. I know I hurt you and I am not proud of that, but I need your forgiveness. "

I hurt you? His instinct tells him that the hurt he caused Kensi is more than emotional and feels his rage building up.

"Ok, that's enough! You have to go now. If you have changed like you claim, you would see you are upsetting her and she needs time and space."

Jack swallows hard and decides to draw back. "Please Kensi, I do need your forgiveness. You can find me here," he pleads as he gives Deeks a card with his phone number and walks away.

Deeks quickly closes the door and leads the now pale white Kensi to the couch. He makes her sit while he kneels on the floor right in front of her.

"It's ok baby, he is gone now," he whispers as he move his hands up and down her thighs. After a couple of minutes she manages to catch a breath and lovingly looks at him. " I am so sorry!"

"There is nothing to be sorry about, Ok?"

He holds her face with his hands and looks deep in her eyes. "I know I shouldn't be asking this right now, but I have to know. What did he mean when he said he hurt you?"

She closes her eyes unable to answer and shakes her head. "Deeks please."

"Kensi I need to know. Did he just cause you emotional pain, or there was more?"

She can't go back to that time. She locked those days deep in her mind and threw away the key hoping she would never have to relive them again.

She avoids making eye contact and that's all the proof he needs. "He hurt you didn't he? Did he raise a hand on you?" he asks again as his thumb gently strokes her cheek.

She looks at him and the tears that start to form in her eyes make the answer crystal clear.

"How bad was it?"

"Bad enough for me to spend the night at the hospital," she says in a cracked voice.

The fury inside him consumes him. If only he was aware of this information earlier. He would never let his get away in one piece. He gets up and runs his hand through his hair. She can see the rage in his eyes and desperately tries to calm him down.

"Deeks please! It was a one time incident. When he refused to take his meds, he would turn into another man. Loud, rude, audacious, derisive and one time… violent. He was sick. He wasn't himself and he tried to change after that."

"I can't believe he left you when you should have left him the moment he raised his hand," he is so angry by now that he doesn't realize that he is yelling at her.

She closes her eyes and begs him in a faint voice. "Please, please don't yell!"

Her words hit their mark and realized that he is making her feel worse. He leans again in front of her, holds her hands and kisses them softly.

"I will never let anyone hurt ever again."

"Right now I don't care about getting hurt by the rest of the world. I am more worried of getting hurt by you."

He slightly gets up and captures her lips with his. "I will never, ever hurt you. I promise! I am here to stay with you all the way. We chose our paths to finally cross and we are going to walk together till the end."

They lock eyes and she knows he means every single word. He makes her feel happy and safe, feelings that no other man (apart from her father) provided her.

The unwanted guest ruined their plans for a quiet evening and they didn't even get to enjoy their pizza. Kensi was emotionally exhausted and feel asleep in his arms as soon as they laid on the bed. But Deeks can't sleep. He can't bare the thought of Jack hurting her in all those ways. He has to do some research on him and hopes Nell and Eric aren't on vacation in order to help him out.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This chapter is rated M. Nothing too expicit but just to be safe.**

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She wakes up in the middle of the night feeling his hot breath against her neck. He is so lost in his dreams that he doesn't realize his hand is resting below Kensi's shirt and on her bare skin of her stomach. Then, it moves a bit higher as he unconsciously pulls her even closer. That's when she felt him, hard pressing against her. She guessed all the meds have finally worn off and can't help herself from giggling.

He wakes up at the sound of her laugh. Before he has a chance to open his eyes he realizes not only where his hand is laying but the effect it has on the rest his body. He gasps in fear and shame and quickly turns his body away from her but she grabs his hand and stops him.

"Don't leave me. Please!" she pleads him as she takes his hand and lets its rest on her chest again.

Is this a sign for him to make a move? Is this the night? Is it really going to happening? Suddenly their breathing becomes difficult and their heart beats accelerate. He takes her face in his hands and leans over to kiss her. The slow tender kiss soon turns deeper and more passionate. Within minutes all clothes are gone and he is lying on top naked and exploring her whole body. Each kiss, each sensuous touch is unprecedented but yet so familiar, so effortless like they've been lovers for all their lives.

Soon all their clothes are pilling on the floor. He can't seem to take his hands, his mouth, his eyes off of her. She belongs to him now and he is determined to leave his mark on her neck.

He brings her sensations she never felt before. Even the feeling of his beard on her bare skin makes her gasp and lose her breath. She moans as she feels him ease himself into her. He sets a slow pace at first but soon enough they pick up the speed. She holds on to him, nails on his back making sounds that are unfamiliar even to her. He can't help himself but feel satisfied that he is the cause of such satisfaction. He is the one the causes all these waves of absolute pleasure. Eventually they are both on the edge and with a loud moan he collapses on top of her, his head buried on her neck.

It takes a minute for both of them to catch their breath and soon she starts laughing. He raises his head and looks at her curiously.

"Not the kind of reaction I was hoping for!"

She now laughs even harder. "I am sorry Deeks! It's just…..you are heavy and still laying on top of me."

When he realizes all his weight is rested on her he quickly moves next to her. He looks at her and they both burst into hysterical laughter. When they manage to calm themselves down lust takes over them and just like that it starts again.

They didn't get much sleep that night. They instead chose to make up for lost time.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning finds them both in bed. Kensi's head is resting on his chest while he protectively holds her close to him, rubbing her naked back with his hand. They didn't get much sleep all night. They only stopped each time for a few minutes rest, and then their games began all over again.

She lets out a soft moan as she pulls herself closer to him circling her leg around his hip.

"Do you want to stay in bed all day?" he smiles at her.

"Mmm!" she just nods to him and lazily opens her eyes.

"We can pick up where we left in other rooms of the house you know. We can be creative," he says trying to use his seductive voice.

She quickly opens her eyes and sits on the bed frustrated. "You had to go there didn't you? Now you ruined the mood!"

"Oh come on sunshine! You know I am only kidding," he pulls her again against him and gives her the puppy look. "Or not," he finishes.

She gives him a small punch gets up and looks for clothes to wear. She doesn't want to give the neighbors a show.

He is still lying in bed looking at her admiring every single inch of her body. "Don't change clothes. I like what you are wearing right now."

"Deeks, I am not wearing anything," she replies as she puts on his t-shirt.

"My point exactly!" he gives again that wicked look but she tries her best not to fall in his trap, otherwise they are never going to leave the bedroom.

She lets out a deep breath and smiles. He is still in bed and it frustrates her that he hasn't offered to make her breakfast. She sits on the chair opposite the bed and just stares at him.

He looks at her confused. "I think you are expecting something from me, but I can't figure out what!"

They sit there for a couple of minutes just staring at each other, but soon Kensi gives in and stands up.

"What do you want for breakfast?" she bluntly asks.

"Oh, Sugarbear, you're bringing me breakfast in bed? That is adorable!"

"Don't flatter yourself and move your butt to the kitchen!"

He smiles as she walks out of the bedroom because he knows the surprise that is expecting her.

She moves towards the kitchen and freezes. Breakfast is ready and served with a beautiful red rose is the middle of the table. She'd be lying if she said she is not happy and touched by this gesture. She bites her lips and smiles but as she turns around, Deeks is already standing behind her.

"Is this what you expected?" he holds her by the waist and pulls her close for a tender kiss.

He looks into his eyes and whispers in his lips "And so much more!"

Everything looks perfect. Omelet, bacon, bread, jam, coffee…."When did you make all these?" she asks absolutely astonished.

"Well I guess I got you so tired that you didn't even hear him getting up. I even took Monty for a walk and got the paper," he says cheekily as he hands her today's paper.

She is absolutely speechless and looks at him smiling. She never thought of Deeks being the romantic type of guy but he finds a way to surprise her every single day. As they have both admitted, there are a lot of things they still don't know about each other and have a lot more exploring to do.

They sit there having their breakfast, giggling and teasing each other until they find it impossible to eat due to their laughs. He looks at her and his mind goes back only a few hours ago when she was trembling out of fear in his arms.

While he was out with Monty he called Eric and asked him to do some digging on Jack. He has a feeling that that was not the last they heard of him and has to be prepared for impending visit from him. He was so worried that he even called Hetty in case she had more info on the guy but she was in the dark.

After they are finally through with breakfast Kensi walks in the shower while Deeks stays to do the washing. He desperately wants to join her in the bathroom but a message from Eric kept him back. As soon as he hears the water running he calls him.

"Hey Eric, did you come up with anything?"


	13. Chapter 13

"For starters his name is Jack Bissop. He was engaged to Kensi for a year until the day he disappeared. His whereabouts were unknown for about a year until he was arrested two months later for drug abuse and was locked in a psychiatric clinic due to his PTSD."

Deeks has a feeling there is more to it. "And?"

"He was extremely violent during his hospitalization. He attacked the doctors and nurses at least a dozen times and even tried to kill one of them."

Deeks runs his hand through his hair and paces nervously up and down the living room. "Why is he out?"

"Well, according to his files he started making progress about a year ago. Admitting he is sick was the first step and after that he slowly found his old self back."

Deeks shakes his head. "Still, I don't trust him!"

"Good for you," he suddenly hears Callen's voice.

"What are you doing there? I thought you were in holiday," Deeks asks him surprised.

"Someone has to keep you all out of trouble!"

Deeks smiles a bit relieved that G is there as a backup if needed. "Listen I have to go. Kensi will be out in a few seconds. Call me if you have any more news."

Before Callen has time to comment the fact that they are staying together, Deeks hangs up the phone.

He is determined to do everything within his power to keep her safe. He doesn't trust that man. There was a darkness and obvious jealousy in his eyes. Who knows what he is capable of? Who knows how he would react to Kensi if he weren't there. Jack knows where she lives so he won't risk leaving her alone in that house. As soon as she comes out of the bathroom he will find some excuse to take her back to his place.

He looks out of the window for any suspicious movement. Why did he have to show up right now? Then again, maybe it is for the best. If he had made an appearance a month ago, Deeks wouldn't have been there to protect Kensi. Who knows, maybe Kensi would even forgive him and give him another chance.

Suddenly, doubts haunt his mind. What if she is still in love with him? What if she even considers accepting him back in her life? Even if he stays around as a friend he doesn't know if he can tolerate his presence. Not after knowing what he did to Kensi.

All his fears fade away when he feels her behind him, her hands gently wrapped around him softly caressing his chest.

"Hope you are thinking of me," she whispers to him.

"All the time," he responds as he turns around and claims her lips in a passionate kiss. He lifts her up, tightens the grip around her and deepens the kiss up to the point where they struggle for breath.

She touches his lips with her thumb and whispers "I am not going anywhere you know." It is as if she read his mind and just wants to reassure him that he is the man of her life and dreams.

He smiles at her, lifts her again a bit so that her feet barely touch the ground and locks her in his tightest embrace. Just like that, he carries her to the couch where she sits in his lap.

"How could you have fallen for that man?" the question escapes his lips.

"He wasn't always like that. When I first met him I was enchanted by his bravery, his good manners, his disciple composure... But apart from that, he had this effortless charisma to always make me smile," she runs he fingers through his hair "you two are so different, but yet so alike."

He gently grabs her hand and looks into her eyes. "I am nothing like him. Don't compare me to him."

"I won't lie to you, I loved him. But I was never IN love with him. And once he came back the man I loved was gone. "

She leans over him and her lips are just a breath away from his."There is no comparison between him and you. I am in love with you. You provide me feelings he never did. I want to spend to rest of my life with YOU," she whispers and seizes him in a kiss.

He can't believe she actually said those words. She loves him! Knowing it is one thing. But hearing admitting it made his heart stop.

"I love you more than my own life. I will never ever leave you. You hear me?" he says as they break the kiss to catch a breath. "Even if you'll want to kill me most of the times, I will never leave."

Before they even realize it, clothes are flying all over the living room as they get creative on the couch.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** **Once again I would like to thank you all for following. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do writing it. **

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The two weeks go by peacefully. Swimming, surfing, movies….He even took her to Vegas for 3 days and applied the "what happens in Vegas" rule. In five days they'll be back at work but that doesn't stop them from planning a greater trip to Europe. Of course they miss the rest of the team but this past one and a half months has been like a dream to them. A dream that they don't want to give up.

It is now Wednesday, and just like every Wednesday they spend it at Kensi's apartment. She is out to get some grocery while Deeks is at home doing all the cooking, again! She still refuses to step into the kitchen. As she walks towards her car in the parking lot, she comes face to face with the man she hoped she'd never have to see again. Jack!

"What are you doing here?" she asks firmly.

"I just needed to talk to you…alone!"

She walks past him and towards her car but he blocks her path and grabs her hand. Her instincts kick in and with one single move she drops the bag and twists his hand. He growls in pain and uses his left hand to hit her, but once again she fends him off.

"So this is how you changed? You are even stalking me now" she asks him disappointed.

"You gave me no choice. I had to talk to you without your little monkey."

"Don't talk about him like that," she warns him pointing her finger to him.

"Or what? He'll come and punish me? Or will you?" he looks at her diminishingly.

"I am not the helpless girl I used to be."

He laughs at her. "I came for you, and I am not leaving without you. You are engaged to ME!"

"Listen to yourself. I was engaged to you eight years ago. You left remember? You changed and I have changed. You don't own me anymore."

"You belong with me, you heart belongs to me, do you hear me? You're mine!" he is yelling right now and people around start realizing something is wrong.

She calmly looks at him. "My heart belongs to another. It never belonged to you."

He has a killer look in his eyes and it scares Kensi since she doesn't know what he is capable of. She has prepared herself for a fight but to her surprise he turns his back and leaves. Maybe he got scared of people staring at them. Whatever it is, she is thankful and finally manages to breathe in relief.

She drives quickly back to her house and informs Deeks about the unwanted visitor. Next time he sees him he is not sure he will be able to control himself. He wants to kill him. But after he sees the bruise he caused on Kensi's arm he changes his mind. He wants to destroy him!

They quickly pack their things and head back to his house. It is safer there and there is a great possibility he won't know the address. Of course they informed Eric and Nell to check the traffic cams for any sight of him and G along with Sam are always standing by for help.

Kensi is pretty shaken up by their encounter but refuses to let it show. She won't let this man ruin her dream. They park the car but as soon as Monty gets out he starts whining.

"He needs a walk otherwise he is gonna do his No2 all over the house," Deeks says as he puts on his leash. "Go upstairs and get ready for a bubble bath. As soon as I come back I promise I'll join you," he kisses her forehead and walks away.

She heads upstairs and even though she feels exhausted, being at his house makes her feel safe.

She unlocks the door but before she has time to open the lights she feels a stabbing pain on her chest. Then, on her stomach. She fights to keep her balance but it is impossible. She falls on the floor and as she touches her chest with her hand she sees the blood. She has been shot!

She detects a shadow moving in the darkness. He probably used a silencer otherwise it doesn't explain why she didn't hear a gunshot. Her vision is blurry and even though the shadow stops just inches away from her, she can't make out who it is. "So, t_his is it. This is how it is going to end_." She thinks as she waits for the final hit. Instead of a gunshot she hears the door closing behind her. The shadow is gone.

She fights for a breath that doesn't seem to come. She doesn't even have the strength to take out her phone from her purse and call Deeks. Oh my God what if the shadow is out looking for Deeks. She has to warn him. Just then she hears the phone on the table ring. She gathers up what's left of her strength and crawls towards the table. She can do it. She has to do it. But she is too late and it goes to voice mail.

"_Hey Sugarbear! Are you already taking that bath? I realized we left all the grocery at your place so I am stopping by to get some supplies. I'll probably be late a few minutes but wait for me in there_!"

She can feel the tears down her cheeks as he hangs up the phone, and just like that all hope is gone. She can't breath anymore, the pain is killing her and her strength has given up on her. She only thinks of Deeks though. Then it all turns black.


	15. Chapter 15

Deeks ties Monty up in a tree and enters the super market. He wants to make Kensi relax and forget all about Jack just for this night so he goes straight to the aisle with the candles. A romantic candlelit dinner is what they both need.

Italian pasta, red sauce, wine, candles…everything is in the bag and he heads back home. He pictures her in the bathtub and his mind travels back to Vegas where they put in practice Hetty's Kama Sutra book.

He just can't get enough of her. They say that after a while the passion fades from a relationship, but he feels like he will never stop wanting her. He can't describe it, she just makes him a better man so he made a vow he will never let her down.

When he is finally home, he opens the door and walks into the near darkness while absolute silence covers the room. His instincts rings warning alarm bells as he feels that something is definitely wrong. He turns on the lights and he gasps in fear at the sight of the bleeding Kensi on the floor. He drops the bags and Monty's leash and frantically runs to her aid screaming her name. He carefully rolls her over and sees the two gunshot wounds. One on her chest and one just bellow her stomach.

For the first time in his life he feels himself lose control. His hands are trembling and can't seem to focus. He just stares at her lying unconscious. He manages to pull himself together and checks her pulse. It is barely audible but her heart is still beating. He takes off his t-shirt to put pressure on the wounds with one hand as he tries to call Eric with the other.

"Eric I need an ambulance, NOW!" He yells like never before scaring both Eric and Nell.

"On it," Eric quickly calls the paramedics on the other line.

"Who is it for?" Nell asks hesitantly and scared, but Deeks must have not even heard the question. He hung up the phone almost immediately.

He holds her in his arms trying to stop the bleeding, rocking her back and forward.

"Come on baby, you are not leaving me," he whispers to her as his own tears drop down on her face.

The paramedics reach the house within minutes along with Callen and Sam. The moment they step through the door they freeze. None of them was prepared for this scene. Kensi is unconscious and as pale as death. She is lying, bleeding on the floor while the paramedics literally drag Deeks off of her to make room.

"Get off me," he yells and his screaming wakes up G and Sam form their trance. They run to him and Sam puts his arms around him to pull him away from Kensi.

"Come on man, you can't do anything for her right now. Let them help her," G tries to talk some sense into him.

Finally they manage to calm him down and stops struggling as he watches the paramedics wheel her to the ambulance.

Suddenly the commotion is over and the three of them stay behind in the apartment. Deeks seems lost as he looks down his hands and clothes. They are covered in her blood and his hands are still shaking.

"Let's get you washed up and we'll follow in Sam's car," G tells him as he places his hand over his shoulder and leads him to the bathroom.

After Deeks has cleaned up himself with Callen's help him changes into the clothes Sam got him from the bedroom and drive to the hospital.

For the first time in 4 years they let him ride shotgun but he doesn't speak a word along the way. He just stares outside the car window still trembling in shock. Once they arrive at the hospital they inform them that she was taken to surgery immediately and it might take a few hours. The doctor will fill them in on her condition as soon as she comes out.

All they can do right now is wait, and it seems like forever.

Callen calls Hetty to inform her about the situation.

"How is Miss Blye?" you can tell by the sound of her voice that the rock Hetty is just as upset as the rest of them.

"I honestly don't know Hetty. It looks bad, she is surgery now and no one can tell us something more," he lets out a deep breath.

"How is Mr. Deeks?"

"Worst than you can possibly imagine. Frankly, I have never seen him like this before Hetty. I know you want us back, but we can't leave him alone like this. "

"I understand. Does he at least suspect anyone?"

"He hasn't spoken a single word since we arrived."

"As soon as you have any news on Miss Blye I want you to call me. In the meantime, Nell and Eric are checking all traffic cams around Deeks house for any suspicious movement. I'll let you know if they come up with anything."

He goes back to the waiting room and as expected Deeks is still sitting on the chair, looking at the floor with that blank look in his eyes. Either millions of thoughts are running through his mind right now or nothing at all.

Sam looks at him sadly and approaches G. "He will never get over it if anything happens to her G."

"Nothing is going to happen to her," G snaps at him. This is Kensi we are talking about, of course she is going to get through this," Callen's words sound more like he is trying to convince himself rather than Sam.

"Who do you think it was?"

"I have a guess, but we need to go back to the apartment and check the place out first. "

"Do you think it was Jack?"

"Don't you?" Sam just nods in certainty.

Two hours have gone by and still Deeks hasn't spoken a word. They offered him food, water or even coffee but he never took his gaze off the floor. Finally the doctor comes out.

For the first time in two hours Deeks gets up and manages to speak to the doctor.

"How is she?" his voice is barely audible and he fears the doctors following words.

"She is alive," the doctor assures them first of all and Deeks closes his eye in relief.

"The first bullet barely missed her heart. Just an inch closer and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

All three agents swallow hard at the thought of that and Deeks gives the doctor a pleading look urging him to go on.

"The second bullet caused massive internal bleeding which dropped her blood pressure and therefore the brain was deprived of oxygen."

"Yeah, but is she going to be fine?" Deeks asks desperately trying to process the meaning of those medical terms.

"We can't be sure for exactly how long the brain was left without oxygen," the doctor tries to explain them.

"Could she be brain damaged?" Sam asks and Deeks mouth drops at the sound of that.

"There is a possibility but it is too soon to make assumptions. She is a healthy strong woman and I would definitely bet in her favor. "

"Can we see her?" Deeks hopes for a positive answer.

"I am afraid not yet. We are moving her to the ICU right now. Tomorrow morning would be best."

Even after the doctor leaves they just stand there speechless and disappointed that they can't see her.

Callen walk up to Deeks and places his hand on his shoulder. "We need to call her mother and I think it would be best you do it."

"She is on a trip to Canada. I don't think it is wise to upset her. Kensi will wake up and she will be furious for ruining her Mom's trip."

Callen and Sam smile as they can actually picture her scolding them for that. At least Deeks sounds really optimistic about Kensi right now and seems to pull himself together.  
Then, he suddenly storms out the waiting room with Callen and Sam running behind him.

"Where are you going?" Sam shouts.

"Back to my place. I need to check the scene now that my head if finally clear."


	16. Chapter 16

Once again the ride with car is quiet, only this time Deeks is different. They can now hear his heavy breathing, steaming with anger and fury. They can't leave him alone like this, because they fear he might go rogue any minute and seek for revenge. Only they don't know for sure yet who he should be seeking revenge from.

Finally they arrive at his house and head to up to his apartment. He opens the door but for a few seconds he refuses to enter. His gaze falls on the blood stain on the floor. Kensi's blood. He can't lose it right now. He has to stay strong for her.

He gathers up his strength and walks in but avoids making direct eye contact with the blood. He looks around to check if anything is missing while G and Sam check all the doors and windows for common burglary signs.

"Nothing seems to be missing," Deeks says as he runs his hand through his hair. "Even her purse is still here; money, credit cards, all untouched. This wasn't a burglary."

Sam checks the front door inch by inch. "There are no signs of forced entry."

"But the window at the guest room is broken," G says holding a piece of glass. "That's where – whoever this was – broke in."

Deeks scouts the living room again. "There are no signs of a fight. She was taken by surprise otherwise she would've defended herself."

He closes his eyes and tries hard to remember every detail from the moment he found her. "The lights were still off when I came in. He was lurking in the dark and as soon as she opened the door, he shot her. She didn't even have time to take her weapon out."

He feels himself tremble again and what was left of his strength is starting to give up on him. He collapses on the couch with his face buried in his arms.

"This is my fault," he mutters.

Sam sits next to him and places his hand over his shoulder. "This isn't your fault. How could you have known this was going to happen?"

Deeks looks at him, his eyes as red as a roubine diamond. "You don't understand. I told her to come here while I was taking Monty out. I should have never left her alone."

He gets up and continues his frenzy pacing up and down the room. "Not to mention that I was late. Why did I forget the bags at her place? Why did I have to go to the supermarket? And….and…..I called her and she didn't pick up the phone. Even when she takes a bath she always carried the phone in the bath in case of an emergency. I should have sensed something was wrong. She was here dying all alone and I wasn't here to save her. I promised her I would never let anyone harm her"

"Hey! Hey Deeks!" G yells at him blocking his path in order to calm him down. "Let's take this from the beginning. What bags are you mumbling about?"

"Every Wednesday we stay at her place and I just come here at night for a few minutes to water my fern. But with the whole Jack encounter I brought her here because I thought it would be safer."

Sam can barely hold his laughter. "Your… fern?"

"The plant that Kensi got me a while ago," Deeks explains quietly.

Sam senses it is a touchy topic and says no more.

"See Kens? I did an excellent job protecting you," he mutters disappointed as he buried his face in his hands again.

G sits quiet for a while thinking and putting the puzzle pieces together. Then he looks at Deeks in fear. "Deeks, I don't think Kensi was the target. I think you were."


	17. Chapter 17

"Deeks listen to me, it makes sense. If someone wanted Kensi dead why come here? He would pay her a visit at her house knowing that she would be alone," G tries to explain his train of thought.

Deeks scrunched his eyebrows. "That's why he didn't finish her off. She wasn't the target in the first place. Maybe the guy saw he had the wrong person, panicked and left."

"And this leads to one question. Who would want you dead Deeks?" Sam asks.

Deeks lets out a sigh and sits back on the couch. "Not this again! Can't we just find the list I made last time?"

"This isn't a joke! The shooter can come back anytime, which means you are not safe here," Callen says as he pulls him off the couch. "We are taking you to ops."

Deeks gets up lazily. "You really think he is going to risk coming back to the crime scene?"

"Not really, but I am not willing to take that chance so let's go," Callen says as he points to the door.

Just as they are about to exit the apartment, Callen's phone rings. He answers it and puts it to speaker. "Hey Eric, what's up?"

"Hey guys, I figured Jack is the elephant is the room that no one talks about. So, I checked all traffic cams and…you are not going to like this. He is at the airport right now and bought a one-way ticket to Panama."

They all share the same look and storm out of the door.

"When is the flight scheduled to depart?" Sam asks.

"In 40 minutes!"

"STALL IT!" Deeks growls.

They frantically board the car and Sam leaves tire marks on the road. Traffic lights, stop signs…nothing applies for them right now as Sam tests the speed limits of the Challenger.

"It's him. I Know it's him," Deeks mutters.

"Deeks, he is a suspect. We have no evidence against him so we need to be extra careful. Don't do anything stupid," Callen tries to calm him down.

"I won't if he won't," Deeks smiles evilly.

Sam is starting to lose his patience. "Deeks we are serious. Do you want him behind bars or not?"

"Seriously guys? You are playing by the book now? He is guilty. Why on earth would he flee just hours after the shooting,"

"Deeks, just listen to us, this is a smart man and a hardcore marine. Do you honestly believe he is going to simply admit everything? Of course not. But promise me you are not going to do anything foolish."

Deeks keeps staring outside the window silent.

"Deeks promise me!" Callen is now yelling at him.

"Fine! You don't have to yell! I promise I won't kill him. Is that what you want to hear?" Deeks says in defeat.

Both Sam and Callen nod. "YES!"

"We all hate this guy, but we have to consider the possibility that he is innocent," Callen says but Deeks turns around and glares at him.

"There is no doubt about it! He came back for Kensi, she shut him out so maybe he thought with me out of the picture he might have a chance with her."

"I know it makes sense, but G is right Deeks. He showed up about two weeks ago. In this short amount time, how did he manage to learn about your routine? Not to mention that you were on a trip for 4 days," Sam tried to be logical.

Deeks remains quiet for a few minutes as that remark is actually right. "Maybe he has been stalking us for longer than that."

"I guess we'll find out," Sam says as they finally reach the airport.

All three load their guns and walk into the waiting area. Eric did some of his magic tricks and Jack's flight seems to be delayed.

They scout the area but there is no sign of Jack so Callen calls Eric. "Eric, we need your eyes. Can you see him?"

"Yes, he walked into the bathroom less than a minute ago."

Callen hangs up the phone and points to Deeks and Sam to follow him towards that direction. They barge in, weapons out and call out his name. "Jack Bissop, show yourself with your hands in the air."  
Everyone in the bathroom looks around panicked so Sam tries to calm them down. "Everybody listen to me, there is no need to be alarmed.

Just then, Jacks steps forward with his hands up. "Did I do something wrong officers?" he asks confused but then he notices Deeks. "What the hell are you doing?"

Deeks just wants to attack him right now but restrains himself. "You are under arrest for murder," he firmly says as he zip ties him.

Jack tries to struggle but Sam's strong grip keeps him still. "What? What murder? You are setting me up," he shouts as they take him to the car.

During the ride Jack mumbles about his innocence and demands to see the warrant. Of course they don't have one right now, but by the time they reach the boat house Hetty will have worked her magic and the piece of paper will be waiting for them on the table.

In those 20 minutes that it takes them to get to the boat house, no one speaks a word to Jack. If they open any kind of dialogue with him right now it will probably end with Deek's gun on Jack's head. He's been holding back his anger, fury and hate for too long and they fear any minute now he is going to snap.

Once they enter the boat house, the warrant is waiting for them on the table as expected. Deeks leaves his gun outside and leads Jack to the interrogation room.

"Are you going to leave him alone?" Sam hesitantly asks Callen.

"Of course not," he responds and follows them after he too leaves his gun with Sam.

Deeks forces Jack to down and sits right opposite to him. He makes direct eye contact with those blue eyes, only now they are as dark as night as they glare the man who almost killed the love of his life.

"So Jack, let's talk."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: I am sorry for the long update but work has deprived me of some free time. I hope you enjoy this chapter and more are coming. Can't wait for your reviews!**

* * *

Deeks sits with confidence and authority right opposite to Jack. He never takes his eyes off him. He keeps eye contact at all time as if he trying to see the truth that lies beneath them.

"So Jack let's talk," he says as Callen sits next to him.

"I demand to know the charges. This place is obviously not LA PD so I suspect my arrest isn't legit either."

"This is the quarters of NCIS and you are under arrest for attempt of murder," Callen hands him the warrant.

Jack reads the piece of paper and throws it back at them. "Murder who? What the Hell are you talking about? It's 3 a.m, I am tired you haven't even read my rights, I didn't get the phone call I deserve and oh, not to mention I lost my fligh," he starts losing his patience.

"Where were you between 8 and 9 p.m?" Deeks calmly asks.

"I was at my hotel room packing my staff."

"And why were you leaving?"

"My residence is in Panama. I only came here for Kensi but she seems to be a lost cause."

"Do you have anyone who can confirm your alibi at he motel?"

"The maid came by twice. She brought my laundry and then my dinner, you can check it with her."

"Of course we will. What is the name of the hotel?"

"Coral Sand."

Callen stands up and walks towards the door. "I'll call the hotel and check it. Do you promise not to kill him in the meantime?"

Deeks looks at him offended. "I already did!"

Callen smiles and leaves the two men alone in the interrogation room. Deeks is going to keep his promise but can't deny that right now he wants to rip this guy's head off. Kensi never told him details of his assault to her while they were engaged so his mind can't help but wonder how much pain he caused her.

"So, my friend it appears we are left alone," Jack mockingly says to Deeks. "Don't you think it's time you inform me who did I try to kill?"

Deeks places his hands on the table and leans forward narrowing the distance with him. "Kensi! You tried to kill Kensi, don't you remember?

xxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile in the bullpen Callen hangs up the phone with the hotel and sits next to Sam who monitors Deeks and Jack.

"He is not going to like this," he says as he shakes his head.

"His alibi is legit, isn't it?" Sam can't believe this is happening.

"Yeap. The maid saw him at 20:30 and then again at 21:00. Kensi was shot around that time and it is an hour drive to Deeks house from the motel. But it doesn't end there. Nell pulled his phone records and no suspicious inbound or outbound calls were recorded."

Sam looks back at Deeks on the screen. "Should we inform him?"

Callen shakes his head. "No! Let's give him five minutes. Maybe he'll press his buttons and force him to make a mistake."

Sam can't help but laugh. "Deeks interrogating alone a suspect? I'll get the popcorn!"

"Don't mock him Sam. Remember that guy is not an ordinary suspect. This case is personal!"

Xxxxxxxx

Back in the interrogation room Jack remains speechless for a few seconds as he jaw drops.

"Is this a joke? I never tried to kill Kensi."

"Hmmmm, you never tried to kill Kensi right? What about the time you beat her so badly she ended up at the hospital?" Deeks is basically growling at him right now.

xxxxxxx

Callen and Sam freeze at the sound of those words. Part of them suspected she might had been abused, but actually hearing those words made their bodies shiver. They could never picture Kensi as a victim.

"Forget the popcorn Sam and get the gun," Callen states in all seriousness.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Is that what she told you? That I beat her? You make it sound so barbaric."

"Any form of violence towards innocent people is barbaric."

Instead of feeling under pressure, Jack leans comfortably backwards in his chair. "I was trying to disciple her. Every time she refused to obey me she had to suffer the consequences."

Deeks feels his heart rate increase, his pressure rising, his blood boiling inside him. He uses every inch of self control in order not to rip his head off. "Why are you using past continuous? Did you hit her more than once?"

Kensi only mentioned one violent incident with Jack and he wasn't prepared for this kind of new information.

"As I said, I didn't use violence. I used discipline. She needed to toughen up a bit."

Deeks hands turn into fists as he tries to desperately control his temper. "I should kill you right now!"

Jack laughs at him. "Kill me? You should be thanking me! Kensi is strong and tough thanks to me. Otherwise, she would be the same pathetic weak girl she was 8 years ago."

Jack enjoys the effect his words have on Deeks and even pushes his limits further more. "I do have one question for you…agent/ detective I still haven't figured out what the hell you are," now he is the one who leans forward and close to Deeks.

"Is she at least good in bed now cause back then she was too mild for my raugh tastes."

That was the final hit for Deeks. He jumps up throwing the table away me and grabs him by the neck slamming him to the wall and yelling. "Did you rape her?"

Just then Callen and Sam run into the room and use all their strength to pull Deeks away from Jack but he is still struggling and yelling. "Answer me! Did you rape her?"

Jack coughs and holds his neck. When he manages to catch a breath he turns his look back to Deeks. "She was my fiancée. I was her job to keep me pleased."

This is the final drop. He wants to kill this man with his own bare hands He struggles like a mad bull and shouts at Callen and Sam to let him do it, but they pull him out of the room.

"let me go!" he screams again as he breaks free from Sam's grip.

He runs his hand through his hair and desperately tries to calm himself down. His head feels like it is about to explode and his whole body is shaking violently. "Please guys tell me you found something we can use against him."

Callen and Sam look at each other as if they are debating on who is going to break the news to him. Finally Callen is the one who speaks and informs him on the alibi and his phone records.

Deeks starts pacing nervously up and down the bullpen. "We are missing something. It's him! It has to be him, you heard what kind of a psycho he is we can't let him get away," he says in absolute despair.

"Yes we did, but we have nothing to use against him. I am sorry to admit it but the guy is clean."

Suddenly Hetty's voice is heard from the speaker. "That is not entirely true gentlemen."

All three look at each other confused. "What do you mean Hetty?"

"Don't worry Mr Deeks he will be punished for all of his crimes. Mr Bissop's psychiatrist was watching the interrogation along with me. They thought he was cured and saved from all his inner demons but it seems like he cannot be saved. He has no remorse over his past actions therefore he is not the changed man they thought he was and never will be. All the necessary paperwork are being filled right now and he shall be admitted in a high security psychiatric clinic immediately."

Deeks lets out a sigh of relief as justice is finally served and all of them can't help but laugh at the idea. "He is going back to the looney house?"

"Yes Mr Deeks, he is. But this case is not over yet. Neither the doctor nor me believe Mr Bissop was the shooter."

The laughter soon fade away when the realization hit them.

"That means we still have a murderer out there. Any ideas who else might want you dead?" Callen asks as they are back in square one.

"Frankly, I have no idea!"


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I really hope you all enjoy this next chapter. It is a combination of all the things I wanted to hear from Deeks and Kensi. Can't wait for your reviews! **

* * *

It has been twelve hours since someone targeted Deeks but the team has yet not come down to a suspect. As much as Deeks wanted Jack to be the guilty one he proved to be innocent for this crime. Never the less, his psychiatrist approved to have him admitted to the Clinic once again due to his impenitent behavior for his past mistakes.

It is now 6 am, everyone is sleepless and tired but Deeks refuses to go back home. He needs to be with Kensi when she wakes up. Every single time he woke up in a hospital room she was always there by his side.

They still haven't figured out who might want Deeks dead but he should be safe at the hospital surrounded by the security guards Hetty assigned to keep them both safe.

As soon as they walked into the hospital they checked with her doctor on her condition. All her vitals seem to be normal, she still has to wake up in order to determine if there has any brain damage.

Even though Callen and Sam refuse to leave him alone, Deeks practically throws them out of the hospital. For some reason he can't really explain he is absolutely certain that Kensi is going to be just fine. The worry that was weighing his chest is now replaced with guilt. Those bullets were meant for him. He should be the one laying on the hospital bed, not Kensi. She almost died and didn't know the reason why.

He slowly walks into her room and finds her still unconscious. He sits on the chair right next to the bed and gently takes her hand in his. That simple gesture is enough to wake her up. She lets out a small sigh and turns her head to look at him. For a few seconds no words are spoken. They just look straight into each other eyes.

Then, fear starts taking over him again. Why isn't she speaking? Does she understand where she is? Does she remember me? Is she still here?

He swallows hard but before he has time to say a word she smiles at him. "You might want to slow down on the after-shave. I smelled you before you even came in."

He laughs in relief and holds his forehead. "I had to take a shower sunshine before coming back. You wouldn't want me smelling like a homeless man."

She takes his hand and places it next to her cheek using it as a pillow. "I feel tired."

"Me too! Why don't we fall back to sleep?" he carefully lies next to her and lets her rest her head under his arm. "Careful, we don't want you to rip your stitches."

"Nah, I won't," her voice is barely audible and drifts again into deep sleep.

"Kens, I don't want to tire you….but did you see who shot you?"

She shakes her head negatively but can't find the strength to open her eyes.

He kisses her forehead and allows himself to fall into oblivion as he knows they are safe right there.

* * *

A week has gone by since Kensi got shot, she feels stronger within each hour and according to her doctor she will be released the next day. To her disappointment though, she still can't remember any details from the shooting.

During this time, Deeks never left her side. Callen and Sam came by everyday with clean clothes and fresh coffee for him. They even volunteered to keep Kensi company during the nights but always turned them down. Even though her doctor doesn't approve, Deeks always sleeps next to her, holding her protectively in his arms.

Darkness has fallen and once again they are left alone. They lay on the hospital bed with her head resting on Deeks shoulder and his thumb gently caressing up and down her arm. He still hasn't told her about his confrontation with Jack! He doesn't want to upset her, but a part of him wants to know why she never trusted him with her tortured past.

Even when her past came looking for her, she held back the whole truth. He can't deny the fact that they still don't know everything about each other, but he is willing to open up to her if necessary. He just wishes she is ready to unload her bargain as well!

"Kens?"

"Yeah?" she sleepily responds.

Deeks hesitates for a few seconds but the timing is as good as it gets. "Why did you never tell me?"

She looks up to him confused. "Tell you what?"

"About Jack," he says and a deep sigh escapes his lips.

Her heart stops and she looks away from his gaze. She tries to get up and in some way escape from this conversation, but he holds her close to him.

"Kens please! You can't hold back your pain for the rest of your life. Please talk to me," he pleads as he pulls her back in his embrace.

She feels safe in his arms, as if nothing and no one can hurt her. She snuggles back and gives him a soft kiss on his chest. "I will be honest with you as long you'll be honest with me."

"Fair enough! We are in the hospital anyway, so let's heal our pain, shall we?"

"Agreed! But whatever happens tonight, whatever is said tonight….stays tonight," she looks up in his eyes again almost begging him to agree.

For a moment he reconsiders this idea but he knows deep down inside this is what they both need. Talking about their feelings is not their strongest skill but the time has come for them to face their fears.

"Ok, but remember I asked you first," he says as he kisses her forehead. "Why did you never tell me about Jack?"

She swallows hard and once again she looks away from Deeks. "Because I wanted to erase that part of my life. I was weak and vulnerable and I felt ashamed of that. I didn't want you to imagine me in that state," she tries to hold back her tears but is seems vain.

He holds her even closer as if he is trying to take away all the pain and bad memories from her. "I would never think less of you Kens."

"Don't lie to me Deeks. Of course you thought less of me. You kept mumbling about how I fell in love with such a guy."

He holds up her chin in order to face him. "I only said that because you deserve the best. I never meant to judge you or your choices."

They look at each other for what seems like forever but now it is her turn to ask a question. "Why didn't you tell me about the Monica case?"

Deeks is now the one to turn his gaze away from her. "I never wanted you near that case, not because of Monica, but because of my Alias."

She looks at him confused but she doesn't say anything. Instead she lies again on his shoulder and allows him time to pick up his pieces and finish his thoughts.

"I didn't want you anywhere around Max Gentry. I hate that guy, but in a strange way it seems quite effortless for me to be him. I once told you he is my alter ego and I truly believe it. Maybe Max is what I would turn out to be if I hadn't left home and made something out of my life. In a twisted way Max seems to have the same genes as my father."

A smile escapes her lips and quotes his own words. "You know Deeks; I would never think less of you."

"Did you lie to me when you told me you were good after that case?"

She doesn't even need time to consider her answer and a spontaneous "Yes" come out.

"I felt betrayed Deeks, again."

"Because I slept with Monica?"

"No! Because I never thought you would lie to me again. I never thought you would keep something so serious a secret from me. And don't try to compare this situation with Jack because it is completely different. Jack was in the past and it was a personal experience. Monica was present and in the line of duty. I am your partner. I am supposed to protect you and back you up," hurt and anger is now obvious in her voice.

"I will not try and justify my actions. I know it was wrong of me to keep you in the dark, but the deeper I dove into the op; the harder it got for me to talk to you. I never meant to hurt or betray you. Please believe me!"

The sincerity in his voice is heartbreaking and she captures his lips in a sweet kiss. "I believe you!"

Then, she looks into his eyes and hesitates for a moment before asking. "Did you ever have doubts about us?"

"Yes," he knows his answer probably felt like a knife through her heart but they agreed to have an honest conversation none the less.

She didn't expect this kind of response and her eyes widen in disappointment. "Doubts about my feelings, or yours?"

"Both!"

That knife in her heart now plunges deeper and deeper. He can't bare to see that pain in her eyes and he cups her face in his hands to bring her closer to him.

"I could never read your mind. You always hid yourself behind those walls and never let me reach out to you. Last year, when I got supposedly fired, you were ready to open up. I know it was my fault and I blew that opportunity, I know you got angry at me, but after that you shut me completely out. I began to think you would never consider a future with me."

Kensi listens carefully to him and realizes that she indeed hid behind her wall like she always used to. "You lied to me Deeks, and you ran away from me! I strongly believed that you can't possibly be emotionally attached to anyone. I know I was unfair and pugnacious with you most of the times. I could never understand when the truth in your words replaces your jokes. I may hide behind my wall as you say, but you hide behind your jokes and I could never understand when the truth in your words replaces them," She looks down and lowers her eyebrows. "Ok, I understand why you doubted my feelings. What about yours though?"

"It's complicated," he tries to gather his thoughts. "These feelings that I was experiencing for you, were something completely new for me. I couldn't figure out weather I liked you as a person, as a partner or as a woman. It was never my intention to fall in love with you. It just happened," he pulls her close to him until they are just a breath away. She can't resist the urge and kisses him softly.

They break the kiss to catch a breath and she lies again on his chest.

He knows this is probably the best way to end this outburst of suppressed feelings but he can't help himself and carries on. "Why were you so mad at me before the Siderov operation? The Monica case was over, we were supposed to have worked things out between us, but something negatively influenced you along the way. What was it?"

She doesn't know if she should answer this question, but they agreed to be honest with each other. Anyway she really needs to get this off her chest. She needs to know!

"Do you like working for the NCIS Deeks?"

"You are doing it again. You are answering my questions with questions."

"Just trust me ok and please answer me. Do you like working with us?" she asks sounding a bit compulsive.

He is not quite sure where this conversation is leading to but follows her lead. "Of course I do."

She sits up again to face him. "Then why haven't you signed the forms yet?"

His opens his mouth but no words come out. He never told her that Hetty had offered him a place in NCIS, but she seems to know.

"Please Deeks don't try and lie to me. You accidentally gave it Nell along with your case reports, so she brought it back and left it on your desk."

"So you picked to find what it was huh? So unlike you Kens," he unsuccessfully tries to lighten the mood.

"Come on Deeks don't do this. Don't try and cover it with jokes. You are just a signature away from becoming an NCIS agent. What's keeping you back?"

He swallows hard he runs his fingers through his hair. "It was my backup plan. Part of me wants to become an agent, but deep down in my heart I will always be a detective. It is who I am. When I first joined NCIS you didn't exactly give me a warm welcome."

Kensi looks at him both offended and hurt. "That is not true!"

"Oh come Kens. If you recall Sam once said that he will hang up his gun if ever needed my help. How ironic. I saved his life, protected his wife and yet somehow I still doubt he thinks of me as a good agent. Admit Kens, I have always been your punching bag for all of you."

Kensi listens to him speechless. She never thought he felt this way. Teasing Deeks came natural to all of them but they never thought it might affect him in a more emotional level.

"At first I didn't sign the paper cause I couldn't stand the pressure. I didn't want to be an alias for the rest of my life. I didn't want to change my routine every single day. I didn't want to lie about my job. I wanted someone I could share my life with. And then I realized that someone is you! It didn't matter that we weren't involved in an intimate way. Just being around you everyday made my life somewhat brighter. "

Kensi was never the type of person to fall for sweet talk, but Deeks has his way of making her heart stop and smile like a little girl in love. "When did you realize it?"

"A while ago. At first this feeling was new for me but now I know. I can't live without you!" He holds her face up but before his lips meet hers she bursts into laughter.

"Oh, I am sorry Deeks but that line was just so cliché!"

He reconsiders his quote for a moment and then joins her in a hysterical outburst of laughter.

After a while they manage to calm themselves down before they wake up the whole hospital and she lies again in his arms. "If you realized it a while ago, then why haven't you still signed the form?"

"The nature of our job demands sacrifices. Michelle had to give up her job to make her marriage work. Callen on the other hand puts his job above all, so he lost the only woman who could possibly tolerate him. So I..."

Before he has the chance to finish his train of thoughts Kensi puts her finger on his mouth. "I don't want you to make any sacrifices. We are nothing like them and I strongly believe we will make it work," they smile at each other confident about their feelings and their future. "Or end up killing each other," she says as she collapses on top of him laughing.

Talking openly about their feelings has never been their strongest skill, but somehow they managed to unleash the entire burden that was weighing their heart. They feel free of all insecurities and confident that they are just made for each other.

Just like that they drift into sleep and wait for the next day to finally go back home.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Hope you' ll all enjoy the next chapters. When the idea about these next chapters** **hit me I couldn't wait to sit down and write it but unfortunately work has kept me too busy. Looking forward to reading your reviews. Once again, NCIS LA thank you so much for you help**

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They didn't get much sleep during the night. Instead they spent most of their time talking, trying to be as honest as possible about their secrets, hidden feelings and well covered insecurities. This is probably the first time in four years they actually devoted some quality time to talk.

The first rays of sun find their way through the window and Kensi is up and ready to finally return home. Deek's residence is not safe as they still haven't figured out who the shooter was so they are spending the next few days at her own house. Of course Hetty has arranged officers to stake the house 24/7, fearing the shooter might return to finish his job.

Just before noon they finally walk through the front door of her house. She lets out a small sigh of relief and collapses on the couch. Deeks can't help but smile at the sight of her as he takes her bag to the bedroom. He had forgotten how much he missed this place despite the mess that surrounds it. It smells and feels like Kensi.

He moves to the living room and lazily sit right next to her with his hand on his thigh as she rest her head on his shoulder.

"You do realize that your fridge is empty so therefore we have no lunch."

Before Kensi has time to respond he cuts her off. "Pizza and burger are not an option. The doctor instructed me to keep you on a healthy diet."

She picks up her gaze to glare at him frustrated and moves herself away from his embrace.

"Fine! Let's go shopping then," she says trying to sound annoyed but all she accomplishes is looking even cuter in his eyes.

He gets up and picks up the car keys from the coffee table. "WE are not going anywhere. YOU are going to sit down and rest as the doctor suggested and I will go do the shopping. I have to drop by my house anyway to pick up some clothes."

"Why? You keep a few of your stuff here, remember?"

"Yeah, you see those clean clothes Callen and Sam kept bringing me at the hospital…they got them from here, so all of those clothes now need to be washed."

Kensi sits up and moves seductively towards him. "Or, you could walk around naked while we do all your laundry."

He bites his lip and desperately fighting the urge to grab and kiss her. Her wounds are not completely healed yet so he needs to be extra careful on how he touches her.

"Oh come on Deeks, I know you like this idea," she says as she tried to capture his lips with hers. Wow she must really want him to stay in order to play the seduction card. But he can't give in because he is not sure if he can restrain himself in case this game goes out of control so, he kisses her forehead instead.

She drops her hands in defeat and looks at him disappointed as he opens the door.

"Don't worry; I'll be back before you even have time to notice I am gone."

Before he walks out she grabs his arm and stops him. "At least let me call Callen and Sam to meet you there or take one of the officers outside to come along."

He can detect the fear in her voice and kisses her softly in order to calm her down. "You have nothing to worry about trust me. I'll just get some clothes, drop by the grocery store and come back. It is highly unlikely whoever wants me dead is still waiting for me to come back to the apartment."

Under any other circumstance she would lock him in and even cuff him if necessary just to keep him safe, but his time it's a lost fight.

She sadly watches him leave but not before giving her one last kiss and a reassuring smile. She feels a strange weight landing on her chest and can't tell if it is intuition or just unjustified fear.

He drives as fast as he can through the streets of LA in order to return to her as quickly as possible. He is not pleased with himself that he left her all alone but at least he knows she is safe. Within 8 minutes he is parking right outside his house and heading upstairs. He pauses for a while before unlocking the door as images of the bleeding Kensi come rushing through his mind. He focuses on the fact that she is alive and well, takes a deep breath and unlocks the door.

Just as the door is an inch open a familiar unpleasant smell surrounds him and he knows that fragrance all too well. It is a combination of whiskey and cigarette that makes his stomach twirl in disgust. He had locked this memory deep in his mind almost convinced it would never be brought up again.

Anger, rage, hate, fear...Too many emotions are consuming him as he takes his gun out and smacks the door open. There is no sound but the heartbeat of his heart. No one has shot him yet, he is still alive but as he faces the figure sitting on the armchair his heart misses a beat.

"Hello Dad!"


	21. Chapter 21

**Α/N: I had this encouter in my mind ever since we learnt about Deeks father. Hope it won't let you down. **

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For almost 20 years he prayed he would never have to encounter this man again. When Hetty reassured him that he was dead, he felt relieved. He should feel sad because after all he was his father, but a great part of him felt like he was finally free.

To his disappointment though the moment he walked into his house a strange feeling of déjà-vu hit him and felt like he was 11 once again with his father pointing a gun towards him.

Physically he hasn't changed much. He is like an older version of Deeks and he hates the fact that he takes after that man. Even their hair style is similar.

"Hello father," he grins as he still holds his own gun pointed at him.

"Is this a way to greet your long lost father?"

Deeks doesn't move any closer. On the contrary he prefers to keep a safe distance from him. "Correct me if I am wrong. But you are the one to have broken into my house. Not to mention the fact that you are holding a gun against an LAPD officer."

"Who would have thought that of all people YOU would become a cop," he smiles diminishingly.

"What did you expect? Turn into you?"

"Oh son you are like me in more ways than you can imagine."

"You are supposed to be dead!" Deeks snaps at him utterly disappointed. "You are supposed to be dead!"

"I had to disappear from my cycle of unlawful friends. They needed to believe I was dead and as it appears it is very easy to orchestrate an accident," the tone of his voice is so calm and intimidating that even Deeks fells chills down his spine.

A million thoughts cross through Deek's mind and he desperately tries to keep himself calm and focused. "Were you here ten days ago?"

He looks Deeks straight into his eyes and answers with absolute confidence. "No."

"You know what? I believe you. Cause if you were here I would have smelled you. You stink like alcohol and cigars. So that leads to only one conclusion. Who did you hire to kill me and most important why do you want me dead?" The bitterness is obvious in his voice.

"You see that was the flaw in my plan. If you want something done do it yourself I always say. That idiot didn't even look who came into the apartment that night. When he saw it was a woman he panicked and fled."

Deeks make one step forward and shouts at him. "Why do you want me dead?"

Once again he looks straight into Deeks eyes. Only that is not the look of a loving father. That is the look of a selfish con-man. "I want the money."

Deeks seems confused as this was not the answer he expected. "What money?"

"The money your grandfather – my father – left you before he died. The money that should have been mine."

Deeks is even more confused now as he tries to follow his train of thoughts. "I don't understand. How will you get the money if I am dead? I am pretty sure the bank won't hand it over to a dead guy cause let's face it. You ARE officialy dead."

"And you my son are still unmarried. When you die, all your money and personal estate goes to your closest relative. In this case that would be your mother."

"Does she know you are alive?" he asks completely gutted.

"OF course she does and she still loves me. In fact she loves me more than she ever loved you."

That is a below the belt strike for Deeks. Of course he was aware of the fact that his own mother never truly loved him, but to be still stirred by the man who destroyed her life is unthinkable.

"Does she know about your plan?"

"Certainly not. She can't be trusted with this kind of information. I will offer her a shoulder to cry for our beloved dead son and as soon as I get my hands on the money I will be out of her life for good. Of all the women I conned in my life she was the easiest target," he cheekily smiles.

The anger within Deeks can not be tamed anymore and he walks menacingly towards the man he hates he most in his life.

His father senses the threat and stands up in defense still holding his gun up. "Careful son! If I don't call my new partner within the next five minutes, your lovely girlfriend will die tonight. And trust me. This one never fails."

Deeks laughs at him. "You are bluffing. She is under the protection of highly skilled agents."

"Even highly skilled agents can be bought." He takes out his phone from his pocket. "Oh look! Live streaming video. Is this your girlfriend looking anxiously outside the window?"

Deeks eyes widen as he looks at Kensi in the screen of the phone. He smashes the phone on the floor. "If anything happens to her…."

"What? You'll kill me? You better find another line son because that one is out of fashion."

He glares at him and with confident steady voice he replies. "No, I won't kill you. I will lock in the basement and cut a small piece of you each day. With each day that passes by you are going to wish you were dead."

"Don't try to intimidate me son, it is not working."

"Don't call me son! I am not your son," he now yells at him with all the strength he has.

"Oh but you are! And no matter what you do the con-man is inside you too. No matter how hard you try you will end up disappointing that girl and you know it, because you are simply incapable of loving. The darkness inside of you will consume you. "

The confidence in his voice drives Deeks crazy and a part of him fears that his words hide the truth.

"I am nothing like you," he says as he tries to convince himself rather that his father.

His father walks forward until they are just a feet away. "You ARE me. You just haven't realized it yet."

Before Deeks has time to process the impact those words have on him, Callen and Sam bust into the house with their guns.

'Don't move," Callen shouts. "Put down your weapon."

Deeks looks at Sam confused but then it hits him. Kensi must have called them when she realized Deeks was getting too late. "

Even with three guns pointed at him his father doesn't seem to feel threatened at all. Even in the middle of the chaos he has this ability to remain absolute serine and cocky.

"Callen, go back to Kensi's house. She is not safe there. One of the agents who are supposed to guard her is working for him."

Callen and Sam look at each other worried. "Who is this guy anyway?"

Deeks chokes and for a moment he seems hesitant but he finally answers, his voice barely audible. "My father."

Both Callen and Sam freeze and remain speechless. Deeks had never mentioned his parents at all so this just assumed they were both dead. They surely didn't expect this outcome.

Callen walks next to him and grabs his arm as his still holds his gun with the other hand. "Deeks…."

"It's ok. Go to Kensi, I can handle him," he winks at him in a pointless effort to prove that his has the upper hand.

Callen and Sam fear this situation will soon lose control, but have no choice but to follow Deek's lead. They run to the car, while in the meantime Sam calls Kensi to warn her about the situation.

Once again Deeks is left alone with his father. "Why the hell do you need the money after all these years?" Deeks still tries to make some sense out of his fathers plan.

"I am no longer the handsome seductive man I used to be, so conning walthy women is not easy anymore. I need the cash to retire and spend the rest of my days rich and swiming in cash."

"Rich is not the one has everything, but the one who wants nothing! You do realize that this is not going to end well for you. You will either go back to jail or in the grave you are supposed to be in. And even if you succeed in killing me, you will not get a penny because there is simply no money. I spent a small amount on my education – because I definitely didn't want to end up like you – and donated the rest of it to charities. I think Grandpa would be very proud of me even though he was ashamed of YOU. That's why he trusted his money to an 11 year old in opposition to his loser-scum- no good son. "

His father takes a minute to evaluate the situation according to new facts."Remember when I told you I hate you?" he asks as le lowers his gun and his gaze.

"Of course I do. It is not a quote a child easily forgets. Especially when it comes out from his parent," he remembers sadly but hoping the time has come to finally make up for it.

"Well son…I truly meant it."

The words feels like a thousand knives through his heart, but he doesn't have the time sentimentalism as he sees his father raising his gun once again and getting ready to fire.

Time is supposed to stand still in times like this and atmospheric music can be heard in the background, but it doesn't. On the contrary everything happened so fast that Deeks didn't even have time to blink. A gunshot is heard and all he can focus on is his father collapsing in front of him in a pool of blood.


	22. Chapter 22

Dead silence surrounds the room as Deeks just stands frozen staring at his father's dead body. He can't seem to focus on just one feeling as too many emotions rush through his whole body. Anger, disappointment, depression, guilt, sadness…

He plays the scene over and over again in his mind but it is evident that it was either do or die. If he hadn't fired first he would be the one laying dead on the floor right now and his father would have won this war. Not to mention the impact his death would have on Kensi. He doubts weather she'd be strong enough to cope with his impending loss.

He buries his head in his hands and drops his weapon down in defeat. All he wants right now is to scream.  
Scream at his father for ruining his childhood memories and forcing him to grow up without a father.  
Scream at his mother for loving her abusive husband more than she loves her own child.  
Scream at God for making him go through this ordeal for a second time.

He needs an escape. His mind runs miles, his heart feels like it is going to burst and his whole body trembles. He storms out of the apartment in a desperate attempt to breathe some fresh air. As soon as he walks out the door he hears the sirens of the approaching police cars. Sam and Callen must have called them in. Just then he remembers Kensi once again. Is she safe? Did they reach her soon enough to warn her? He wants to walk down the stairs but his knees give up on him so he kneels on the floor.  
He stands still staring at the concrete floor waiting for someone – anyone – to help him up. To his surprise, a familiar pair of soft hands cup his face. He finds the strength to pick up his gaze and meets the worried look of Kensi.

Her thumb gently strokes his cheek as she closes the distance between them rests her forehead on his. She doesn't ask him anything because she is absolutely certain he is in no position to say anything right now. That's why it shocks her when he is one to speak first and ask a question.

"What are you doing here?" he bluntly asks as he removes her hands from his face.

Before she has time to answer Callen and Sam hurry towards him along with the police.

"We couldn't keep her away from you. Is he….?" He asks pointing to Deeks apartment.

Deeks stands up leaving Kensi on the floor. "Yeah, he is dead," he confirms and leads the officers into his apartment.

Kensi looks at Deeks in shock as he walks away from her. Sam helps her stand up but suddenly she doesn't have the strength to stand on her feet and she stumbles. Thankfully Sam is there to catch her before she hits the ground.

"Are you sure you can do this?" the concern is his voice is evident.

She just nods and lets him guide her to Deek's apartment. As soon as she walks through the door she faces the dead body and freezes. Although she has never met that man, she always pictured him a complete opposite version of Deeks. On the contrary though she finds herself shudder at their resemblance. He has the same body type as Deeks, only a few pounds heavier and similar curly hair, only grey. He doesn't look at all like the kind of man who would threaten to kill his own child.

She moves closer to Deeks and gently reaches for his hand but he pulls away.

"What are you doing in here? Callen, get her back home," he calls out gesturing to her to follow Callen avoiding in the meantime any kind of eye contact.

She is so astounded by his behavior that she follows Callen with no protest at all. She understands he is angry and hurt but she strongly believed that she would heal him from any emotional wounds his father would have caused him again. She though he would be relieved to find her on his side. Before exiting the house she turns around to give him one last look but he doesn't even pick up his gaze from the floor.

"Kens come on, let's give him some time," Callen softly tells her as places his arm around her shoulder and leads her to the car.

The sun is finally up and once again she looks at the clock. 8 a.m. Seven hours have gone since Kensi left the crime scene but she didn't sleep all night. She remains awake waiting for Deeks to come back home. She hates herself for leaving him in that condition. Under any other circumstance she would have never abandoned him, but the drugs she is still under make it impossible for her to engage in any kind of argument. She paces up and down the apartment having lost count of how many times she has called him. But here is no answer at all. Callen told her he went to the morgue for some last paper work he had to fill in, but that was hours ago.

Finally the door opens and Deeks walks in….


	23. Chapter 23

**A/ N: I Know a lot of you might not aprove of Deek's behavior in this chapter and it is very logical. But since the first time I saw him as Max Gendry I can't help but feel that there is a darker version of him hidden beneath the laid-back exterior. I also believe that in the begining of the new season we might see this "other"side of him. **

**I am looking forward to your thoughts and comments! Thank you all for supporting my strory!**

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Kensi smiles in utter relief and runs to hug him. "Oh my God I was so worried about you."

Deeks says nothing. He doesn't even hug her back. His hands remain still in his pockets and he only takes them out to gently push her away from him.

She understands how traumatized he must be so she chooses to ignore his gesture. She desperately tries to meet his eyes but he still avoids her gaze. He just walks past her. Finally he speaks.

"I won't be staying. I brought back your car and I need the keys to mine," his voice is low and cold.

"I don't understand. Where are you going?"

"That body isn't going to burry itself Kensi. I am going to burry my father. I found my mother's current residence, so I am taking him to her. Despite it all she still loves him and I am sure she will want to give him a proper funeral."

"Ok, let me get dressed and I am coming with you," she volunteers without hesitation.

Before she has time to make a move towards the bedroom he grabs her hand and pulls her back. "No you are not Kensi," he firmly says.

She looks at him puzzled. "Why not?"

"She lives in Bakersfield and I am going alone! The hearse is already on their way there," he says as he finally spots his keys on the coffee table but Kensi gets them first.

"No! I am not letting go alone. It is at least a 2 hour drive. You are sleepless, and tired, and angry, and sad ….and….and….I am not letting you go through this alone."

Deeks glares at her in a look that she was unfamiliar with all these 4 years. "I am going to announce to my mother that I shot my father AGAIN! Only this time I actually killed him. This is a personal family matter and what makes you think I need an audience for it?"

Even though the anger in his voice is obvious, he is not yelling at her. He is growling.

"Personal? Family? So what exactly am I to you?" she tries to remain calm but her voice slowly cracks.

"Don't do this. Not everything revolves around you," he takes the keys out of her hands and turns around to leave.

No! She can't let him go so she reached for his hand to stop him. "Please don't go. I only care about you. You are not alone; we can get through this together. I will do anything for you," she desperately pleads him.

He pauses for a moment as if he is considering her words but suddenly he firmly grabs her upper arm, leads her to the couch and forces her to sit down.

"What are you doing? Let me go," she demands.

"You said you will do anything for me. Well, what I need you to do is stay here," he shouts at her.

She's had enough though. She tried to be patient and sympathetic with him but he is crossing the lines. She struggles with al the strength she has to escape his grip but it is vain.

"Your wounds aren't healed yet. Stop struggling before you hurt yourself."

"You are doing a fine job of that, don't worry," she snaps at him but the more she fights him, the harder he holds her down.

"I said STOP!" he shouts at her again.

"I am not a dog to command," she yells even louder than him, while awful memories of her and Jack fighting start coming back.

"At least they listen," he shouts back and releases her in defeat.

She is scared of him right now but refuses to let it show. Her hands are in pain from his strong grip and she gently rubs them but he doesn't even seem to notice it.

She remains seated on the couch afraid to move any closer to him. "Deeks, what's happening to you?"

He looks at her but his eyes are not the same; they aren't his eyes or his look. The soft loving goofy look he always had has been replaced by anger, malice, and resign.

She tried to be nice to him but maybe some tough love is required under the circumstances. "You shot your father. Ok I get it, it is hard but what would you rather do? Let him kill you? I thought you were past your crappy childhood upbringing."

"This comes from Daddy's little girl who won't stop whining about her dead father. At least you got to live with your father and have some fun memories to cherish so don't tell me to get over it," she sits on the couch listening to him rumbling on like a parent scolds the misbehaving child.

"Like you got over Jack? He hurt you so bad that you locked yourself into this apartment alienated from the rest of the world. You keep all this crap around your house because deep down inside you want them to fill the empty space that you have in your heart. "

She remains speechless and frozen on the couch. The poisonous words that come out from his mouth kill her slowly and painfully. She can't defend herself and she surely can't defend his actions right now.

"I can't do this anymore! I can't do US anymore. I simply don't want you with me. I need some time FOR me," his voice softens a bit as he picks up the car keys that he dropped on the floor and leaves her all alone.

As soon as the door closes she begins to tremble and tears start filling her eyes. Who was than man? He surely wasn't the Deeks she knows and fell in love with. Last night everything was perfect. But now everything they worked on, everything they so carefully built together has turned to ashes. It is funny how easily the perfect dream can turn into a nightmare.

She doesn't know how to react. Should she run after him? Should she get in her car and follow him? Should she ask help from Callen and Sam? She stands up but her feet are still trembling and her vision is blurry. Breathing becomes a challenge as she quickly feels the wave of dizziness rush through her whole body. She tries to find something to hold on to but it is too late. The anxiety attack has hit her and soon she is lying on the floor


	24. Chapter 24

**A/T: Once again I would like to thank you all for your support and great reviews. I know some of you didn't aprove Deek's behavior on the last chapter so I hope this will make up for it! **

**Looking forward to your thoughts and comments. **

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He gets in the car and he doesn't even look back. He is looking for an escape so he drives away as fast as possible. He only makes a stop for some coffee as he has been awake for nearly 24 hours straight.

Silence surrounds the car as he refuses to turn on any kind of music. He needs to hear his own thoughts right now. He needs to prepare himself for the first encounter with his mother after ten years.

He always had a soft spot for her and always forgave and gave her excuses. To him she is the woman that gave him life, the woman that tried to raise him with principles, the mother that made his childhood years a bit more tolerable. But all these feelings fade away when he recalls his father and the way she always protected him.

He doesn't realize how quickly the two hour drive has gone by, but still he hasn't come up with a plan. How can you tell someone that the love of your life is dead?

He parks the car right outside the house and gives himself a few minutes to reconsider his actions. But it is too late to turn back right now. His mother has already spotted him from the porch where she was watering the flowers. She always loved flowers. The moment she sees him her mouth drops open and the can falls from her hands.

When he sees her running to him he gets out of the car and accepts her loving embrace. God, how much had he missed the caring touch of his mother. Years haven't been as kind to her as they had been to his father, but she still remains as sweet as ever.

"Marty? Is this really you?" she wonders as she runs her finger through his hair and caresses his face.

He doesn't answer; instead he gives her his most sincere smile.

"Come, come inside. If I knew you were coming I would have cookies, your favorite food," she pulls him into her house. She seems so genuine happy to see him. So much that it breaks his heart to the barrier of such bad news.

He walks into the house and suddenly all these childhood memories come flooding in. Even though it is a different house, it smells exactly like the one he grew up in. She has even used the same tapestry on the wall. He looks around and can't help but smile as he spots a picture of him hanging on the wall. But his smile soon fades as soon as he realizes that his father also appears in the same photo.

He remembers that day. He was 8 years old and his father decided to take him fishing. Although in the beginning he was excited about the trip, he ended up crying the entire day because once again his father verbally and physically abused him. He hadn't been naughty or misbehaving as any 8 year old kid. He just never got to catch a fish and that made his father furious.

He swallows hard and walks by the picture. He can't keep doing this. This has to end now!

She comes back from the kitchen holding a tray of cookies and fresh juice. "You look exhausted boy! Come, drink some juice."

"Mom, I need to talk to you," he softly says as he takes her hand and makes her sit next to him on the couch.

She looks at him straight into his eyes and immediately she understands that something is wrong.

"Please Marty! Just tell me you have good news. Like you are getting married or something, " she pleads him with her eyes.

He holds her hand tighter and tries to find the strength to speak the truth. "Mom, dad is dead!"

Her eyes widen is shock as she pulls away from his and get up. "You don't know what you are talking about."

"Mom, just listen to me. Don't pretend you don't understand. You knew he didn't die in that car crash. You knew he was alive and you had been helping him ever since," he also stands up and tries to make her listen to him.

"What happened? How did he die?" she asks looking Deeks straight into his eyes cause deep down inside her she knows the truth.

It hurts him to have his mother look at him that way. "Mom, please."

"Say it! Say it!" she insists yelling at him.

"I killed him!"

His mother looks at him with what can only described as malice and slaps him. Up until now his father was the king of abuse. But he finally realizes that his mother is following his footsteps.

He stares at the floor ashamed, but soon his self esteem finds its way back into his mind and heart.

"Yes mother I killed him and I have no regrets about it," he bluntly says.

She tries to slap his again but this time he catches her hand before it makes contact. "Will you listen to me? He was a BAD man. He was a con-man who only cared about himself. If I hadn't killed him he would have killed me. Is that what you want?"

He eyes are filled with tears. Her whole body is trembling but her voice although cracked is firm. "Yes!"

He lets go of her hand in utter disappointment. He always assumed she loved his father more than him, but actually hearing it from her nearly kills him. "Did you ever love me?"

She sits on a chair trying to control her sobs. "Not as much as I loved your father."

"Why? What did I ever do to you? Why did you even give birth to me?"

"I thought that if I had his child, he would stay with me forever."

"He was a drunk and abusive man. How can you want someone like that next to you? That night….if I hadn't shot him he would have killed us both. You know that!"

"No he wouldn't. He would never hurt me. He never ever laid a hand on me. He was tough at you because you were a tough kid that needed extreme measures of discipline."

"Breaking my hand was discipline? Trying to shoot me twice is discipline? God, you are not even trying to understand. You are so blindly in love with him," he runs his fingers through his hair losing every bit of patience he has.

"Yes I love him. That is why I chose him, because I was madly in love with him. I never chose you. You were just my way of keeping him close," she can't stop crying as she is holding a picture of his father tight in her arms rocking herself back and forth.

"He was going to leave you AGAIN! He was going to kill me, get my money and property and run AGAIN! Does this mean anything to you?"

She picks up her gaze and looks at him in anger. "He didn't need money. All these years he had been sending me more than enough to get by."

He laughs out of frustration. "Really? You think he sent you all that money. Mother wake up! I am the one who has been making deposits to your account."

She shakes her head in denial. She clearly doesn't want to hear or believe the truth.

He picks up his keys from the table and heads to the door. "You can stay here and mourn this lying bastard for the rest of your life. I am not prompt to spend any more thoughts on him or you. You don't deserve me. And since you put it that way, I didn't choose you either. The person I chose to spend the rest of my life with loves me more than you two ever did. I let her down, became dad for a while, but I am never letting myself crawl back into that pit again. I AM NOT HIM. I will never be him! Goodbye mother!"

He walks out the door and doesn't look back. As far as he is concerned both his parents are dead. All he can think about right now is Kensi and how much he must have scared her and hurt her. All the awful things he uttered to her come to mind and it feels like a stab in his heart. He promises to himself that this is the last time his parents have this kind of negative impact on him. He gets is the car and drives as fast as he can to Kensi. He just hopes she still trusts him and her wall he so hard fought to tear down isn't higher as ever!  
1 hour ago


	25. Chapter 25

**A/T: I am sorry this chapter is small. I promise the next one will make up for it. **

**Emily1616, you asked, I delivered! A whole Deeks POV chapter. I hope you like it. **

**CharleyCarey I laughed soooo hard with your comment. **

**Densilou amare questi testi: **

**è una notte come tutte le altre notti**  
**è una notte che profuma di avventura**  
**ho due chiavi per la stessa porta**  
**per aprire il coraggio e la paura**  
**vedo un turbinio di gente colorata**  
**che si affolla dietro a un ritmo elementare**  
**attraverserò la terra desolata**  
**per raggiungere qualcosa di migliore**  
**vedo gli occhi di una donna che mi ama**  
**e non sento più il bisogno di soffrire**  
**ogni cosa è illuminata**  
**ogni cosa è nel suo raggio in divenire**  
**  
**

**Many many thanks to everyone who keeps supporting and following this story! You guys are amazing and I appreciate all your comments. Can't wait for more!**

* * *

He gets in the car and slams his hands on the wheel. How could she do that? How could a mother not love her own child? He is so angry he now punches the dash board with all his power, to the point his knuckles start bleeding.

Then, he remembers his own harsh behavior to Kensi. Oh my God the awful things he said to her, the strength he used to grab her and hold her down, and the way he yelled at her….He can't blame anyone for this but himself.

He takes his phone out and calls her but of course there is no answer. He understands though. She must be disappointed, upset and in no mood to talk to him right now. Has he ruined everything? Will she ever be able to trust him again?

He turns on the engine but soon realizes he is in no condition to drive. His hands are trembling due to the fact that he hasn't slept or eaten in over 24 hours. He should probably crash into a motel before heading back to her. That will give Kensi some time to calm down and Deeks some time to find the appropriate words to apologize.

He checks in a cheap motel and immediately lays head down on the bed after another unsuccessful attempt to call Kensi. He feels exhausted, both physically and mentally.

All he wants is to close his eyes and drift into sweet oblivion away from any kind of thoughts. Guilt and chagrin crawl into his mind.

He has been giving excuses to his mother for all these years but now he's had more than enough. All these suppressed feelings have come to a boiling point and he feels like he is going to burst. Why does he always have to be the outsider? In the law enforcement, in LA PD… and even in his own family. The only place he feels like home is NCIS. But still, even there he didn't exactly feel welcome in the beginning.

The only reason he accepted to work as a liaison was Kensi. From the very first moment he saw her at that Gym he knew there something more to this woman.

His grandfather only treated him as a beloved grandkid and always took care of him. Even after his death he made sure Deeks could have an easy going life by making him the sole heir of his property. The money he left him was more than enough for Deeks to travel around the world and rest forever after in a Caribbean island. But of course he chose otherwise. Educating himself and helping those in need was more important than a wealthy, but empty deep down inside life.

Even though his pay check as a cop is poor, he always assured his mother would get 300$ a month. He knows it not an exquisite amount of money but it is better than nothing. There is no way though he will continue to send her that money now. He is done helping her see the light when all she wants is stare at the darkness. He is done feeling guilty because apparently his mother can't face the truth. He is done blaming himself for his failed family because Kensi is his family right now.

Kensi! She loves him more than his parents ever did. She doesn't have to actually say the words but he knows the feeling is there. He knows it by the way she looks at him. The way she laughs at his inappropriate jokes. The way her shoulder bumps into his when they are walking next to each other. The way she cares about his safety, the way she teases him about his twitching nose when he sleeps, and the way she mocks him for his previous part time jobs.

And by all means he is madly in love with her! That's why it is so hard for him to forgive himself for treating Kensi like that. He can't really explain what kind of force took over him. He tries to remember their whole fight but there are parts missing in his mind. Apart from what he remembers who knows what kind of hurtful words escaped his mouth. He lets out a deep sigh and tries to call her one more time. Still, there is no answer. His heart is telling him to go to her as fast as possible, but his mind keeps him still. He is too tired to get behind the wheel and probably a public danger for all the drivers near him.

He sets the alarm clock to go off in two hours and then he feels his eyes slowly close. His mind though is still running miles and soon nightmares fill his dreams.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/T: Once again I would like to thank each one of you for your support and great comments. I really enjoy writing down this story and wish I had more time to devote. **

**I know I probably put a lot of "things" in the story (like Jack, Deek's parents and so on...) but they are all storyline that I am dying to see on screen as well. **

**As always I am open to your reviews, suggestions and ideas on how might turn out!**

**Special Thanks to NCIS LA GIRL for dedicating precious amount of time to help me out!**

* * *

He wakes up screaming her name covered in sweat. It takes him a few seconds to orientate according to his surroundings and remember where he is.

Soon enough his brain is once again focused on reality and lets out a deep sigh. With one hand he runs his fingers through his hair, while with the other he attempts to call Kensi once again. As expected there is still now answer. For a moment he considers having Callen and Sam check on her, but soon he dismisses that idea. She'd hate them seeing her in the state she probably is right now. Not to mention the fact that he feels ashamed of his actions and in no mood to explain himself to Callen and Sam right now.

He gets in the cars and drives his way back home. The two hour drove goes by incredible fast, but he still hasn't found the right words to say to Kensi. Deep down inside he hopes that just by looking into his eyes she will see the real Deeks; the one that has been her partner for all these years and the one that would rather die than see her hurt.

By the time he reaches Kensi's apartment it is 9 p.m. and the sun has gone down. He uses his key to enter, praying deep down inside that she hasn't changed the lock. To his relief the door opens and a deep breath escapes his mouth. He steps into the near darkness softly calling her name. "Kens?"

There is no answer! A bad feeling starts taking over every inch of his body. Is she gone? No! The door was unlocked. There is no way in Hell she would leave without locking. He turns on the light and quietly walks towards the bedroom.

His heart beat restores to its normal rate when he sees her lying on her bed. Her back is turned on him and he can't see her face. He assumes though she is just sleeping. Monty is resting right next to her and refuses to leave her side even when Deeks calls him.

She slightly moves and Deeks thinks that probably Monty's subtle winning woke her up. "Kens? Are you awake?" Still no answer.

"Come on baby please look at me. I know you can hear me," he pleads with a cracking voice. She is a light sleeper who wakes up due to the slightest sounds. He is absolutely sure she heard him coming in. He was also hoping that the use of the word "baby" might ** her off and make her react, but there is nothing. Not a sound, not a move!

He moves closer to her actually feeling alarmed now. "Kens? Can you hear me?" Nothing….

All these negative thoughts crawl into his mind as he storms on the bed to check her pulse. She is breathing, she is alive! But why isn't she responding? He slowly places his hand on her shoulder and rolls her over so that he can face her. And that's when he sees it. A huge bruise is formed on her forehead. He gasps in fear and gently strokes her cheek.

"Kens! Come on open your eyes I know you can hear me."

He can see her struggle to open her eyes and as soon as she gathers every bit of strength she has left, she slowly opens them.

"There you are," he smiles at her. "Kensi how did you hit your head?"  
She opens her mouth as if she is about to speak, but slips into oblivion once again as her eyes close.

"Hey, hey don't close your eyes! Look at me!" he delicately nudges her forcing her to come back to him. "Where did you hit your head?"

"I don't remember. Maybe on the coffee table," he voice is barely audible.

"Did you feel dizzy? Did you throw up? When did it happen?"

These are too many questions and Kensi has too little strength to focus on anything. She lets out a deep breath of frustration and shakes her head. "I don't remember. Just leave me alone," she pleads as she closes her eyes once again.

"You really expect me to leave you? Never again Kensi!" he promises as he lifts her up and carries her to his car. He gently lays her on the back sit and kisses her forehead. "I am here now!"

For a brief moment she opens her eyes and their gaze meet. "No, you are not," she whispers and looses consciousness again.

He slams the door close and jumps into the drivers seat. Within minutes he storms into the emergency room with Kensi in his arms screaming for help. Doctors and nurses lift her from his embrace and lead her to the exam room.

The waiting drives him absolutely mad. Unawareness is his worst enemy along with helplessness. Luckily though, half an hour later the same doctor that treated Kensi when she was shot approaches Deeks.

"What is the matter with you guys? If you keep up this way we might as well book a room just for you," he tries to lighten the mood.

"Is she ok?" Deeks fails to follow the doctor's humor.

Just then Callen and Sam enter the waiting area and Deeks looks at them surprised. "How did you guys get here?"

"I called them," the doctor answers first. "It is my duty as a personal doctor of the agency to inform your superiors. "

"He called Hetty and Hetty called us," Callen finishes the explanation.

Although a part of Deeks is relieved they are here to support him, another part of him wishes he could go through it alone. "So doctor how is she?" he asks again.

"She has a severe concussion. Did she have any kind of accident today?"

Deeks looks ashamed on the floor. "I don't know."

Callen, Sam and the doctor all look at him astonished. "Well, do you at least know how long she has been feeling this way?"

Deeks shakes his head and covers his eyes with his hand. "I don't know!"

"Correct me if I am mistaken but agent Blye was released from this hospital 24 hours ago. And if my memory doesn't fail me I specifically warned you to keep an eye on her cause the pain killers she is under are too strong and she might feel a little dizzy," the doctor directly puts the blame on Deeks.

"I know, trust me I know! Just tell me what I am supposed to do now."

Callen signals the doctor to stop the accusations. "The CT Scan didn't show any signs of brain or neck injury. We are keeping her here overnight for observation but her recovery might take up to ten days. Can you handle this?"

Deeks looks at the doctor offended. "Of course I will take care of her. I told you I made a mistake that won't happen again! When can I see her?"

"In a few minutes, we are transferring her to a room right now."

The doctor then leaves following Callen's nod to leave them alone.

Awkward silence takes them over for a few minutes but soon Sam breaks the ice. "Where the hell were you?"

"I went to deliver my father's body to my mother."

Obviously this was not the answer they were expecting. "We assumed you would have someone else arrange the funeral plans."

"I needed to see my mother."

Callen and Sam seem to understand Deeks but still it doesn't make sense.

"Why did you go alone? Kensi would never let you go alone. What did you say to her?"

Deeks feels like a prey waiting for the predators to devour him. "We had a fight, I wasn't myself and I said some things I didn't mean."

They can see he is genuinely ashamed and sorry for his actions. But still they never thought Deeks would ever do anything to hurt Kensi. How far out of control did he get? They avoid asking him if he physically hurt her because they don't trust themselves they won't hurt Deeks if the answer is positive.

On the contrary, they make one step behind and let him breath. But Callen can't seem to let go. "Did you ever consider the impact your fight will have on Kensi? Did you ever the fact that if Kensi wanted another Jack, she would have chosen him. Not you! You have to fix this!"

His words mark their target deep into Deeks soul. He had become Jack, the man he hated even more than his father. He yelled at her just like Jack. He physically hurt her just like Jack. He compared her to a disobedient dog just like Jack. He promised her he would be the one to heal her wounded soul, but instead he crashed it.

His mouth drops open and tears fill his eyes scaring both Callen and Sam. His remorse is heartbreaking. "Have I lost her?"

G gives him a soft smile and places his hand around Deeks shoulder. "Let's hope not!"


	27. Chapter 27

**A/T: Awww the season premier is approaching and I can hardly keep my enthousiasm under control. I have sooo many scenarios in my head of what might happen and I just wish I had the time to write all down in fanfics. I decided to publish this one cause it I know for sure our beloved couple won't get together so soon. **

**I love music and for some strange reason the song "When I am gone" from 3 Doors Down always reminds me of Densi!**

**So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
You won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone**

**Again, thank you all for following and I am expecting all your comments. I love reading them! Enjoy!**

* * *

Deeks slowly walks towards Kensi's room and takes a glimpse through the half open door. She is awake, lying in bed staring at…..nothing.

He runs his hand through his hair but instead of walking in he hesitates and takes one step behind bumping into Callen.

"Going somewhere Deeks?"

He opens his mouth but no words come out. What is he supposed to say? That he is scared? Scared she might turn him down. That he is a coward? That he wishes he could just skip to the future and avoid this conversation? For the first time in his life he is actually speechless? What?

Callen sees all the pain and regret in his eyes. "Let's go get some air first," he volunteers placing his arm around Deeks shoulder.

They sit on a bench for a couple of minutes and Callen gives him enough time to gather his thoughts together.

"Where is Sam? Usually he is the first one rub me my mistakes. He never misses that chance!"

"Deeks, Sam respects you and…..he'll kill me if he finds out I said this, but actually loves you. He owes you his life and his is fully aware of that. If you haven't noticed, he doesn't treat you like he used to."

Deeks squints his eyes and considers his words trying to remember, when was the last time Sam mocked him? Then, he remembers. Last time Sam offended him and openly questioned his abilities as an agent, was at that park during their last op. It seems that everything and everyone has changed since then, even Sam.

Deeks looks at Callen and nods in affirmation.

"Deeks, the doctor told me about the bruises on her arms," Callen softly says giving Deeks a chance to explain himself before jumping into hurried conclusions.

"If I could turn back time…."

"That's not what I asked," Callen firmly stops him.

Deeks pulls up his gaze and looks at him straight in the eyes. "I didn't realize I was hurting her. I don't even remember holding her that tight. God, I don't clearly remember what I said to her," he is now upset and anxiety starts taking over him. He gets up and starts pacing back on forth in a desperate attempt to remember every detail of their fight. But every time the poisonous words he uttered come to mind, he just wishes he could erase them all.

"I would never hurt her. You know that," he stops in front of Callen and begs for confirmation with his eyes.

Under any other circumstance G would have at least punched Deeks for everything he did. But this is not that day. He is sincerely remorseful and right he is punishing himself way harder than any other. He has to be honest and realistic though. "But you did hurt her Deeks. Otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here now."

Deeks lets out a deep breath and sits again next to him his face buried in his hands.

"The question is what are you going to do right now?"

He raises his head, calms himself down and declares firmly "I will spend the rest of my life trying to win her back."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He picks up every bit of strength and self esteem he has left and forces himself to go back and walk into her room. She must have sensed him because she was already focused on the door when he entered.

First, a feeling of utter relief took over her only to be soon replaced by sorrow and finally fear. She unconsciously tries to draws back from him as she sees him near the bed. Just the sight of her pulling away from him felt like a million daggers through his heart. He can see the pain and disappointment in her eyes and he knows he is the only one to blame.

He stops as he clearly senses her defensive vibes. "Please don't be afraid, it is just me," he raises his hands in surrender.

"That's the problem. I don't know who you are exactly anymore," the sound of her voice is so low that he can barely hear her.

Deeks drags the chair from the side of her bed closer to him and gives her the acquired space she needs from him. "It is just me, only a bit broken. The man who teases you, nags, drives you crazy but loves you more than anything in the world. I know my timing is bad. I never thought I would say I love you and you would be sitting as far away from me as possible. But I need to say it because at one point in my life I thought I was incapable of loving. Yes, I am madly in love you!"

"You have a strange way of showing it," Kensi ironically smiles.

"Please, just give me the chance to apologize and explain myself. You have been putting up with my rumbling four years now. Please give me another four minutes and you can kick me out that door later."

Her mind and heart are in a constant battle and once again her heart wins this time. She nods and signs him to go on.

"You once asked me, where does Max Gentry come from? I lied to you. He is not an alias I just made up. Max Gentry was the name my father used to con people. He was ruthless and violent with men but incredible charming with the ladies. I chose that name because that alias was supposed to be exactly like him. I chose that name as reminder of what I don't want to turn into. His blood runs through my veins though and every day I was scared I might wake up one morning and find out I AM him. Deeks is my alias and Max is who I truly am. And then I met you. Up until then I only cared about the women I wanted to sleep with. Well, I found out that that is not what matters. What is important, is the one woman I want to wake up the next morning. And I want to wake up with you by my side for the rest of my life. You make want to be a better person. You make want to love more. So my parents never loved me! Who cares? I only want to be loved by you. You came into my life and took over the empty space I have in my heart. I am willing to spend the rest of my life proving to you that I deserve a place in your heart. I am sorry for every word I said to you. I am sorry for hurting you. I promise that man is dead. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with fool old me," he smiles but the sadness behind it is evident.

She can feel the tears filling her eyes. This is the first time Deeks has shown such a deep level of vulnerability. Should she trust him? One thing is for sure though. She loves him with all her heart and it aches watching him in this condition. Before she has time to even consider her answer a nurse comes in to check her blood pressure and temperature and later gives her anti-stress pill.

"This will help you sleep for a couple of hours. We will wake you up again to check on your responses."

Deeks stands up obviously worried.

"No need to worry detective. It is just standard procedure for such cases. This is just for tonight. Tomorrow she will be able to have a proper sleep."

Kensi soon drifts into oblivion and Deeks takes the opportunity to move closer to her. He holds her hand and kisses it softly. A much needed contact after this agonizing last 2 days.

"Can I stay with her?"

"Of course. Would you like to get you something to eat?"

"No I am good," he responds not taking his eyes off of Kensi in the meantime. Just watching her sleep in peace is all he needs right now even though his confession was left on a cliffhanger. He smiles at himself as he compares their relationship to a movie, and he is now waiting for the sequel to be released. He is filled with hope that once again they will make things work out. They always do.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/T: We are so close to the season premier and I am going crazy. Promo, photos, interviews...too much information flooding in!**

**Once again I would like to thank you all for following and reviewing. I am sorry for making some of you cry, but then again that means that I actually touched your emotions. So, I guess that's good in a weird way!**

**When I first started writing this story I never thought people would like it as much. I never thought it would get this emotional, and I also never thought it would take this long. Just when I decided it was time to put an end to it, I came up with more storyline! I try my best to update as soon as possible as I don't like leaving you hanging. **

**I hope I won't disappoint you! As always feel free to review. Reading them make me extremely happy!**

* * *

As the night goes by Deeks and Kensi never get a chance to finish their conversation. The nurses wake her up every couple of hours only to check her vitals and responses and then let her sleep again.

"Has she complained about any dizziness, weakness or numbness?" the nurse asks Deeks who still remains by her side.

"No, she seems to sleep in peace," he responds as he gently caresses her hand.

"Well, it looks like she will be discharged tomorrow."

Deeks thanks the nurse as she leaves the room and he is once again left alone with his own thoughts.

These past few months have been too much for him to handle. He is close to reaching his breaking point but he will remain strong. He has to take his life into his own hands and make the best out of it. Well, if Kensi forgives him.

This unawareness drives him crazy. Has she forgiven him? Will she at some point forgive him? What if she chooses to go back to her loneliness? Will he be able to handle such kind of response? Will they be able to continue working together? Will his heart endure losing her not only as a lover, but as a partner as well? Will he have the strength to let her go?

Wow! It surprises him that he can't even predict his own reaction. It seems like he doesn't know himself at all.

How can he let her go? They do say that if you love someone let him go. If he comes back, then he is yours. If he doesn't, he never was! But then again if someone truly loves you why would he ever leave? If Kensi loves him, why would she throw away everything they have built throughout these years?

It is impossible for him to let her go. How can he just witness her storm out of his life, when all he wants is her by his side? These thoughts scare him because he is starting to sound like an obsessed boyfriend. Last thing he wants right now is to push her further away from him.

Finally, the morning comes and Kensi slowly opens her eyes. She feels his hand holding her and turns her head. He is sitting right next to her bed, obviously never leaving her side. He is deep asleep and she can only imagine how tired –both physically and mentally – he must be. He doesn't even seem to notice his thumb is gently drawing circles on her hand.

His touch is so soft and innocent right now, unlike the way he held her down on the couch just a few hours earlier. Sleeping didn't let her think. She needs to think. She needs to pick up her pieces and make a decision that will affect the both of them for the rest of their lives, but not here. She can't think in this terrible hospital room. She is sick and tired of them and all she wants is the comfort of her own apartment.

Just then, her doctor walks in and Deeks wakes up from all the commotion. Panic takes over him for a moment when he realizes he is sitting too close to Kensi holding her hand, but soon his panic subsides when Kensi offers him her sweetest smile.

The doctor checks with her for one last time before signing the papers for her discharge.

"Can I trust you this time with agent Blye Detective?" he ironically asks Deeks.

But Deeks doesn't fall in his trap and never engages to his banter.

Sensing the tension between the two men Kensi tries to lighten the mood. "I am going to be fine doc. But listen; if I die within the next hours….you can blame it on him."

Deeks tries to glare at her but his cute grin surfaces. "You think you're funny?"

"Aha," Kensi nods laughing and stands up to get herself dressed.

Any other time this would have turned into an endless banter, but not this one.

"Hey Deeks, can you get the release papers while I get dressed?" she asks hesitating for a moment to remove the hospital gown in front of him.

Oh, this is not a good sign. Actually, in his mind this is the first step towards their breakup. He just nods and gives her the acquired privacy she needs. He tries to wash off any negative thoughts but it gets harder and harder.

Within the next half hour they are ready to go back home. They board the car and Deeks doesn't even have to ask for the destination. There is no way she would want to go to his apartment. She needs her own personal comfort zone right now.

The first minutes of the ride are filled with awkward silence until she is the one who finally breaks it.

"I didn't get the chance to ask you; how did it go with your mother?" sincere worry is evident in her voice.

"Fine, it went fine and finally everything is over," he plainly says and lets out a deep sigh.

Kensi doesn't fall for his lie. She knows him well enough to understand when he is lying. "Don't do this! Don't lie to my face. I've told you before, if you don't want to speak just say so," she snaps at him and looks out the window.

"You are right, I am sorry," he apologizes and the sound of his voice makes it obvious that the mother/son reunion wasn't exactly ideal.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"She just confirmed what I already knew. The fact that she gave birth to me doesn't make her my mother. Hetty feels more like a mother than she ever did. And the fact that I share the same genes with….him," he avoids even uttering his name, "doesn't make him my father. Both of them never tried to win their son back. They never tried to make up for their mistakes. They never tried to give me love. Well, they are both dead to me and to be honest with you, it feels great. I feel relieved they are out of my life."

Kensi just listens to him trying to hold back her tears. No kid should ever feel like that. No kid should ever be rejected by his own parents. She wonders what harsh words his mother spoke but decides to never ask. He doesn't have to relive the past.

Soon, they arrive at her house and as soon as they walk in Deeks crashes on the couch. He is week, tired and in desperate need of a restless sleep. But he can't sleep before he makes a proper apology.

He gets up and follows her to the bedroom where she takes out a pair of comfortable clothes from the closet to put on. He gently holds her hand and makes her sit on the bed. He leans in front of her and looks straight into her eyes.

"I know I've already said it, but I will keep saying it until you finally forgive me. I am sorry! I am sorry for everything I put you through. I am sorry for lying to you, hurting you, disappointing you. I promise, the man you saw yesterday morning, he wasn't me. I know that now. I am not that person. I am not my father and as sure as hell I am not Max Gentry. Some strange dark force took over me but I promise that force will never win again a battle. I am Martin Deeks, ex- lawyer, LA PD Detective; soon to be NCIS agent, partner of Kensi Blye, who loves surfing and burgers. I humor as a way to defuse serious situations and intimate conversations. I am extremely curious and may invade others personal space to satisfy that curiosity. But you already knew all that, so therefore you already know me. This is me, for the rest of my life."

She can't help herself but smile at his little speech. He has this amazing ability to make everyone focus on his good qualities and forget about everything else.

"So where does this leave us?" he asks kissing softly her hands.

As happy as he makes her, she can't forget the awful words that came out from him. She can't forget the way he yelled at her and held her down with all his force. Soon, her smile fades away when she realizes she doesn't have an answer for him yet.

He reads her eyes and lets go of her hands. "I understand, you need time," he sadly says and gets up. "I will be crashing on the couch. The doctor said to keep an eye on you for the next few days and this time I am willing to keep my promise."

He exits the room leaving Kensi alone with her own thoughts. It feels like an angel and a demon are sitting on each of her shoulders, debating the answer that Deeks is waiting for.

Should she listen to the little demon? He might be right after all. Who can guarantee that Deeks won't have another breakdown? Who can guarantee that Max Gentry won't break free from the prison he locked him? Deeks has always been a mystery for everyone. People always get the false impression that he is quite open and talkative, but if you pay attention, his words usually mean nothing. They have been working together for almost 4 years but he never discusses any details on his relationship with his father. He never brought up his mother. In fact she doesn't have any kind of information about his upbringing. Who did he stay with when he was a kid? Why did he quit being a lawyer to join LA PD? Did he ever get involved in a serious relationship?

He only comfortably speaks of the past when he makes references to his embarrassing part time jobs. As long as they were partners all of these didn't quite matter. Partnerships don't last for a lifetime. But how can she trust her happiness on him, when he can't trust her with his past.

Then, the little angel washes her fears away. She can't blame him for not being honest unless she blames herself first of all. She hasn't told him yet about the year she spent homeless, because she is too ashamed to talk about it. Also, because that was the time she met Jack. So, she wants to leave that part of her life as buried as possible.

Maybe that is why he also avoids remembering the past. Maybe it is too hurtful for him. Growing up all alone, without the support of your parents isn't easy. Of all people she should know. Not to mention that his own father tried to kill him twice. Any normal human being would be devastated and traumatized by such experiences. In combination with the torture by Sidorov -not even two months ago- all this surely leads to an explosion of emotions. She was just the unlucky one to be close to that explosion.

The past is gone now and not important anymore. What is important, is the future? Their future!

She walks into the living room and finds him deep asleep. He must be exhausted and surely starving when he wakes up. She is still quite dizzy and therefore unable to go to the grocery store to buy …..well, anything. After all these days of absence her fridge is empty. She opens her little sin-box as Deeks calls it and tries to decide what to order. Anything sounds delicious right now. She goes through every piece of leaflet and then she comes upon the perfect one. Only it is not a delivery leaflet.

She unfolds the little piece of paper and smiles for a moment. Even though she wasn't looking for it; in fact she didn't even remember she had stashed it in there, here it was. Written down there are these four simple words that always seem to work on her.

**_Everything's gonna be fine!_**

He gave her that paper when she was accused of murdering her father's sniper team members. She kept it as a reminder that not only her partner is willing to risk his life and career for her, but that she can also trust him with her life.

She reads the note and then takes a glimpse at him and smiles. This is Deeks. The man who took over him is long gone and she trusts him to never invite him again in their lives.

So far life has taught them a valuable lesson. Never take tomorrow for granted. Never take anyone for granted! She is done feeling alone and blaming others for her own insecurities. She loves him and so far he has saved her life more times than he has hurt her. In fact he has given her life.

She approaches the couch and softly kisses his lips whispering.

"Everything's gonna be fine!"


	29. Chapter 29

**A/ T: Once again a huge thank you to all fo you who Read, Follow, Favorite or Review my story. It means the world to me. NCIS LA GIRL, thank you so much for helping me out. I understand you are being extremely busy. These next two chapters are a pleasant pause for our beloved couple, but consider them as the calm before the storm. Do you ever feel like your head is going to explode as too many ideas and dialogues come flooding your mind? Well, that is exactly what I feel like, and I am trying to put them all in order.**

**Of course Reviews are always welcome. They make me extremely happy! Love you guys!**

* * *

He slowly wakes up and holds the pillow even tighter in an attempt to stretch himself. But then he realizes what he is holding is not a pillow. Kensi somehow managed to squeeze herself on the couch and into his embrace.

For the first time in his life he feels like crying out of utter happiness as this could only mean one thing. Everything is back to normal. They can finally have their old lives back in their hands! He pulls her close to him to smell her scent that he's missed so much over the last days. Even though her favorite perfume is Chanel, he prefers the simple smell of her own skin.

Everything is perfect right now and he wishes he could just freeze time. Without realizing Kensi sifts her position and is now facing Deeks snuggled in his arms.

He takes a look at his watch and to his surprise he finds out it is almost 7 p.m. They have been sleeping for nearly 4 hours and if they keep going there is no way they will get any sleep during the night.

He kisses her forehead and then whispers in her ear. "Kens; we need to get up."

She mumbles something that even he can't understand and refuses to open her eyes.

As much as he loves watching her sleep, as cute as she is protesting to wake up he has to make her get up for her own good. He leans forward and draws his lips close to hers until they are just a breath away. He hesitates for a moment but his lips looks like they have a mind of their own and softly kisses her. It starts as an innocent sweet kiss, but as they draw each other closer their kiss deepens until they are gasping for air.

Finally she opens her eyes and looks at him. There is no need to say anything. Just by looking at each other they know that the worst is gone and they made it! They fought and won. They can finally be together free of their past, free of secrets and suppressed emotions. She trusts him to make her happy and he trusts her to always love him no matter what!

Three months have gone by, during which time they finally got back to work but not after going through psych evaluations with their trusted friend Nate. After he approved that they were both ready to go back to work, he reassured them about the whole patient-doctor confidentiality. What was spoken during their sessions will only remain documented on his papers and never be spoken.

At first, Deeks was against going through this procedure, but Hetty practically forced him. In fact, she bluntly stated that he could not sustain his position to NCIS unless he meets Nate.

Although he was extremely awkward during the first minutes of their meeting, he soon found out that sometimes it is easier to open up to someone not so close to you, someone who can be objective and is not an active member of your life. He actually trusted him with his fears that he hasn't even spoken to Kensi. He openly discussed the traumas that the Sidorov operation has left on him, emotional rather than physical. He knows Kensi will likely be furious at him if she ever finds out he is keeping this a secret, but in his judgment she can't handle this kind of information right now. They have both been through enough and they deserve some time alone in their own utopia.

Although Hetty has publically approved of their relationship she didn't miss the chance to give them the speech. She even warned them that if she detects any sign of inappropriate behavior during their job, or their relationship affects their performance, she will not hesitate firing Deeks as a liaison.

It was obvious that she only threatened them just too….well threaten them! Because after all, she trusts and believes in them more than they believe in themselves.

Callen and Sam of course reduced significantly their occasional jabbing and granted the new couple a grace period. They'd think Deeks and Kensi's banter will disappear over the new course of things but, weirdly enough it is always there. Just on a whole different level and they would want it any other way. Though of course, they will never admit it to the cute couple!

Even Nell inspired by them made the first move and asked Eric on a date. They are keeping things slow at first until they fully process this new kind of status. Just like a video game, they need to explore first the next level before moving on.

So, nothing has changed between them in the line of work. They both keep their relationship professional, he often makes his cheeky inappropriate jokes and Kensi engages to his sexual innuendos wittier than ever. But as soon as they walk into the house, they finally change into lover mode.

For the next three months everything seems just perfect. Sadly they do not know that the cards have been folded and once again a change of fate is expecting them


	30. Chapter 30

It is Wednesday, almost noon and everyone is working on old case reports. Everything seems surprisingly peaceful until Hetty walks up to the team in the bullpen.

"Mr. Deeks, a word with you in my office please."

He shares a surprised and worried look with Kensi and follows Hetty in her office.

"Have I done something wrong?" he asks like a child that has been called to the principal's office. Deep in his mind though, he is worried that it have something to do with his relationship with Kensi. But, if that was the case, she would have been called in with him. His performance throughout these months has been remarkable, and he has given no reason for anyone to doubt his abilities. So what is it about?

She takes a ship from her hot tea but seems somehow reluctant to make her statement.

"I have been in contact with LA PD, and they want you in for a few months to work undercover."

Wow! This is not at all what he expected but yet so many thoughts come running through his mind.

"Why me? On what case? Under what alias?"

"They need a man inside the Reilly Cartel. A notable drug dealer who has been under the police's radar for a few years now, not only for drug dealing, but he is also connected to a number of unsolved murders. Somehow though, he always comes clean. He must have a snitch inside the police force, or DEA….they don't really know. So, this is when you come into the picture. They think you are the only one who could easily win his trust, get into his circle of friends and gather the necessary information to frame him. Unfortunately, Max Gentry is the only alias with such a weighted criminal past, that could actually intrigue Reilly."

She hands him the case file but Deeks remains silent trying to process the meaning of her words and concentrate in the meantime on the file.

"Hetty, this could take months. It is not an easy operation. A drug lord such as himself is not going to open his door for me. I'll have to build my cover, and gain his trust gradually."

Hetty hates putting him in this position seeing him struggle to make a choice, but this was a direct order form Vance in collaboration with LAPD and DEA. "I know it won't be easy Mr. Deeks. It might even take months. So, you need to decide wisely. This might be a turning point that will affect the rest of your life. "

"I need to speak with Kensi first," he states before closing the file and letting out a deep breath.

"I am sure you. I will be waiting for your response."

He walks out her office and his gaze falls on Kensi. Their eye meet and she knows something is wrong. She knows that look of Deeks all too well. She stands up, walks to him and whispers. "Do you want to talk here or at home?"

He can't have this kind of conversation here. He can't decide here with all those nosy eyes and ears around. They need to be alone and decide together although in his mind he knows what he wants.

"At home," he whispers back and starts' packing his bag as Kensi follows his lead.

Even during the ride home they spoke nothing even though he knows ignorance is Kensi's worst enemy. He needs to prepare himself first. He needs to find the right words and chose announce the winner of the battle between his brain and his heart.

As soon as they walk into his apartment she lets go of her back and sits on the couch waiting for the bad news.

"Go on, spit it out. What is it?"

He runs his hand through his hair as an obvious sign of his nervousness and bites his lips as if his is trying to prevent his mouth from speaking.

"They want me back in LA PD to work undercover in a high importance operation."

Her heart stops for a while as she tries to comprehend what he just said. Deeks hands her the case file and briefs her with the same Intel Hetty provided to him.

She goes through every single page thoroughly, but the more she reads, the more worried she gets.

"This could take months and still won't guarantee a successful outcome. Why do YOU have to do this?" she asks as she throws the file on the coffee table.

He senses her anxiety and sits next to her pulling her in his arms. "Because apparently I am too good at my job and most likely to have him arrested."

"Deeks…," she tries to stand up clearly annoyed by his arrogant style but he holds her even closer.

"Look, I know you don't want me to go, but a big part of me wants to do this. This might my last op as a cop, so I need to make it count. I need to leave in blazes of glory."

A small giggle escapes her lips but soon disappears when all her fears start haunting her.

"Last time we dove deep into a high level operation, you almost got killed. But at least we were a team and we all lived to see another day. You are going to be all alone there, without any backup. Who is going to watch your butt?"

He laughs at her comment but still tries to reassure her. "Somehow I am pretty sure you are going to find ways to keep up with me. Still, I will have a handler who will inform the agency for my every move. Hetty demanded to be daily updated."

She doesn't want him to go but she can't prohibit him. She can't help though feeling quite hurt. Why is he willing to risk his life once again? Why does he put his job above of her? Why is he so eager to leave her alone? She is used to living with him and being part of her life. She doesn't want to go back to loneliness after experiencing absolute bliss. But she has to remain strong for him. This is his decision and she is determined to offer him her support.

She leans forward, gives him a soft kiss and then snuggles in his embrace. "Just, don't make me….make you promise again. I am expecting you to be back mister," she desperately tries to hide her worry poking him with her finger.

"I will!"

He knows it must be hard for her to through with this dissociation but he knows she is strong. They have been through so much worse that this might seem as a joy ride. He needs to be a damn good cop for one last time and do what he does best. Unfortunately his alias isn't going to make it easy for him, but now he has faith in himself. Max Gentry is just a name. A make believe character that will be forgotten as soon as the operation is over.

They fall asleep right there on the couch into each other arms, both of them afraid and visited by their worst nightmares. But what a\waits for them is unlike everything they had ever imagined or feared!


	31. Chapter 31

It has been three months since Deeks went undercover but it seems like forever to Kensi. She knew right from the beginning that Deeks would have to dive deep into his cover, but according to LAPD the operation is proceeding as planned. Unfortunately that is all she knows as she is deprived of more information. Even Hetty doesn't seem to know any more details other than the fact that Deeks is alive.

Days seem endless. Work is unbearable without her partner and the deafening silence in her apartment nearly drives her crazy. Only Monty is there to keep her company. She sleeps with him by her side every night; a fact that she will surely not share with Deeks when he comes back cause she it too embarrassed. But in a way Monty makes her feel close to Deeks. He is like a reincarnation of him.

She has been living alone for years getting used to the solitary. But, suddenly she just can't stand this desolation. She wants him. She needs him in her life. He makes her happy even though it took her a while to realize that. She seems to find joy in the simple things he does for her like, kissing her forehead every night when he thinks she's fallen asleep.

Every time the phone rings she jumps scared. Every time there is a knock on the door she fears it will be LAPD to inform her that he is dead. She can't handle this! She is used to going undercover alongside with him. She is used to backing him up, making sure he is safe. Of course she doesn't doubt Deek's skills and abilities but she doubts those surrounding him. She doubts the police will put his life above the operation. After all it won't be the first time they would leave him stranded. She pleaded him before he left not to do anything that might jeopardize his life. If the operation goes wrong, all he has to do is get a message to the team and they will make sure to get him out.

Darkness has fallen and once again she lies in bed alone, wondering where her other half is.

* * *

It is 6 am and just like always Hetty is the first to arrive at the office. She sits on her desk, takes out her cup and just when she is about to pour some tea she realizes, she isn't alone after all.

"Good morning Mr. Getz," she says smiling as Nate comes into her office.

"I love this place at this time of hour. It is peaceful," he sits while looking around.

Hetty looks at him intrigued. "If I am not mistaken the next psych evaluation is due 6 months later."

"I am not here for the agents, but for a certain detective."

Hetty pours some tea in her cup and takes a deep breath crossing her fingers. "You've got my attention. I am listening."

"A rumor has it that Deeks is not only back in LA PD, but working undercover as well. Is that true?"

"I am afraid it is," she looks at him sadly.

"How did you let this happen? Did anyone read his file? I strongly recommended another evaluation before any kind of recruitment. Especially an undercover assignment of this level," Nate tries to keep himself calm but the tone of his voice betrays how deeply worried he is.

"Are you under the impression that I would have let him dive this deep without consulting a psychiatrist first? The LAPD doctor judged him capable of returning to active duty. "

Nate's eyes widen in absolute shock, "She did what? Didn't she read my notes? Deeks is hiding behind himself. Anyone who doesn't know him can't possibly understand the depth of his psychological traumas. "

"And why didn't you confide me such important information?" Hetty starts to realize the severity of the situation.

"You know I can't betray the patient/ doctor privilege. Besides, I never imagined he would be sent back to the field so quickly and without consulting me first."

"How bad is it?" Hetty lets out a deep breath, angry at herself for trusting Deeks to LA PD.

"The Siderov case affected him more that he has admitted to all of you. Even to Kensi. He was kept hostage for all those days, restrained and deprived from any kind of control over his own body but admitted to gruesome tortures. Hetty, Deeks is a man who was used to working alone. Every time he went undercover as a cop, he was only responsible for himself. Suddenly, the life of not only Sam but also his wife, hang from his strength to sustain the pain. He wasn't trained for that. He wasn't prepared for that. Even thought he didn't give in he still feels week and ashamed. He needs to prove to himself that he still remains a good detective. He needs to take control of the situation and find inner peace at all costs. "

"And what exactly does that mean?" Hetty asks confused?

"What alias is he using?"

"Max Gentry!"

Nate closes his eyes and shakes his head in disbelief. "Of all the alias they chose to use this? For Deeks Max is not just a fictional character that he created. Max Gentry is linked to his father, his troubled childhood….his alter ego. The longer he stays in that character, the harder it gets for him to come back to himself. Especially now, even though Max might give him the confidence he has been lacking all these months, it comes with a price. If he is compromised, he will never allow himself been taken alive. This time he has no one to worry about, no one to betray, and nothing to lose."

"I understand all of this, but you forget the Kensi factor. He always comes back to her in the end. She is his safe harbor."

"Until the day Kensi finally realizes that she is tired of waiting for this….. ''ship". Anyway, I am not sure how strong he cn be without her by his side."

Hetty gets up and takes a glimpse at their empty desks. "It is too late now to fold back. According to the chief the operation is almost over. All we can do is hope that Deeks returns to us safe, unharmed, unscarred and he remains Deeks. "


	32. Chapter 32

**A/T: First of all I want to warn you the the next few chapters might turn out to be a little dark. Please, have faith though and don't hate me too much! As Deeks's said - Oh my, best line in the whole series, probably even better than Sunshine and Gunpowder - it is a Love Story. And like all love stories the road is filled with obstacles before reaching the final state of true happiness. **

**Once again thank you all for Following-Reviewing. Your thoughts make me extremely happy! Enjoy!**

* * *

Days go by slowly and his absence is creating a huge void in her heart that can't be filled. She can't call him, can't meet him, can't do anything to feel him close to her. The only thing she can do, is sleep along with one of his t-shirts. Of course she is not going to admit it to him or else a lifetime full of endless teasing awaits.

LA PD still refuses to give them any detailed information regarding the progress of the operation. The only intel she has managed to retrieve is that Deeks is safe and close to taking down the whole cartel. Any day now, he can come walking through the door and that thought is the only thing that keeps her strong. Soon, it will all be over and they can return to their normal – if you can call it like that- lives and routine.

Of course she loves G and Sam, but having to work with them without Deeks by her side is making the job quite unbearable. Even though she has been working with Deeks for only 3 years, it seems like a lifetime. She tries to remember what her life was like when he wasn't in it, but she can't. Maybe because it was empty and Deeks found a way to give her a meaning and purpose.

Before she met him, her number one priority was to find the killer of her father. But from the moment she met his at that gym everything changed. He stormed into her life, completely altering her precedences, perspective, desires and most of all herself. She thought she could never find the courage to love again, but he proved her wrong because she has come to love him more than anyone else in the whole world. She has come to enjoy life and dream of a future with him. Of all people Kensi Blye is actually considering the fact of having kids! And yes, she doesn't run away from the idea. Instead she embraces it since she is no longer afraid of living her life to the fullest.

* * *

It's 3 am, she is at her apartment sleeping with his t-shirt in her arms and Monty is resting on the feet of the bed. Suddenly, since she is a light sleeper, she hears the front door open. Without any hesitation she grabs her gun from the night stand, orders Monty to keep silent and stands next to the bedroom door. She checks the gun make sure it is loaded as she hears the footsteps of just one man approaching.

_"Oh poor guy, you chose the wrong house to rob"_, she thinks to herlself.

As the figure enters to dark bedroom, she punches him first in the face and then the groin until he falls down crying in pain. That's when she realizes he's not a burglar. He is Deeks!

"Oh my God Deeks I am so sorry," she pleads as she falls on her knees next to him.

"Well, that was not the warm welcoming I was expecting," he says trying to get up with Kensi's help.

"Well, you should have called. Do you realize that I could have easily killed you?"

He looks at her and can't help himself from smiling. Even at this hour, even if she is barely awake, even if she has no makeup on, even if she seems mad at him, she is just beautiful. For a few seconds they just stand right there staring at each other.

"What?" Kensi suddenly snaps at him.

Then, he moves forward and does something he has been wanting to do for four months. He pulls her close and kisses her like he hasn't kissed her before until they are both breathless and gasping for air.

"Is this the welcome you wanted?" she gives him a smirky.

"A ha," he just nods and kisses her again leading her to the bed.

After they break the kiss she caresses his cheek and looks deep into his eyes. Something is wrong. They are somehow dark and empty. Like his mind is travelling to somewhere else.

"Deeks? What happened? Is the op over?" she asks softly

He takes her hand and kisses "Yes, thankfully it is over and I am finally back to you. But only for a few hours."

She looks at him shocked and pulls him even closer to her. "Why? Why do you have to leave again?"

He swallows hard unable to utter a single word. Should he confess his sins? Is she strong enough to carry his burden? Should he worry her? Then, he remembers the vow he made to her. Never lie! He sits on the edge of the bed avoiding any kind of eye contact with Kensi and turns his back on her.

"Are you sure you'll be able to handle what I am about to tell you?"

Is she? Is she not? She can't even possibly guess what he is about to confess. The only thing she is sure about, is that she is going to be right next to him no matter what!

"Yes! Deeks you can tell me anything," she moves close to him rubbing his shoulders from behind.

"Kens, you do know that the operation had drugs involved, right?"

"Yes," she nods hesitantly.

Infiltrating the cartel wasn't easy. I had to convince them I was not only a drug dealer, but also a junky. That I was able to easily distinguish the good quality of heroine and all sorts of drugs from the placebos. In order to do so, I had to use drugs in front of them."

Kensi pauses for a second and tried to process what he just "When you say use, was it a daily routine?"

"Yes, it was the only way I could get them to trust me. I had to dive even deeper than I has originally planned. But it doesn't end there."

Kensi feels her heart beat accelerate. How much further did he go to establish his cover?

"I have been keeping a secret from you all this time," he stands up and runs his hand through his hair, an evident sign that he under a lot of stress right now.

"Remember the antidepressants the doctors prescribed for me after the Sidorov case?"

"Yes,"

"I never stopped taking them."

Kensi's mouth drops. "What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to get off the meds a month later, but never found the strength to do so."

He turns around and sees the hurt and betrayal in her eyes so he leans in front of her holding her face in his hands. "I was happy with you, I was the man you wanted me to be and I got so scared that if I quit the meds, I would find myself buried into the hole I was once trapped in. I was scared that my fears and self doubt would crawl back into my head. I had to keep myself sane in order to keep you happy. "

Tears start filling her eyes. "Deeks, we would get through it together, like we always do."

He gently kisses her hands and then leans his head in her lap. "I know, I know! I am not proud of what I did and who I am "

"What are we supposed to do now?" she wonders while stroking his hair.

"I have been using too many drugs for too long. I need to get away from all of it while I still can."

"Does LA PD or Hetty know?"

"No, all they know is the successful outcome of the operation. But if they find out I have been using, it is almost certain I will get suspended and locked into a clinic. That's why I arranged to go undercover again. I will use the same alias, only this time illegal weapons are involved. They suspect a car dealer is used as front for trafficking stolen weapons. We've already spread the rumor the Max Gendry escaped arrest. His reputation proceeds him, so he will easily infiltrate the gang. No one will ever doubt him. By now he is a known con-man who will do anything for easy money."

Kensi takes his face in her hands and makes him face her. "Deeks, I don't want you to go. It is too soon. You have been using drugs for too long and I am afraid your body won't react well to the sudden deprival. We do need to get you admitted into a rehabilitation center. We will use an alias and no one will ever find out. We'll tell them we needed some time alone away form everything."

He shakes his head "Even if LA PD doesn't find out, Hetty will. And I surely don't want to face the wrath of Hetty. I will go on this last mission, I will play the ex-junkie, it will be believable, and when it is all over, I am going to quit and become an NCIS. I don't want to spend another minute away from you."

She stares at him completely unaware what to do or say. Should she let him go? Should she force him to check into a Clinic? What if he ends up hating her for that? What if someone finds out and his whole career is ruined? No, she will not force him to do anything he doesn't want to. This is his choice and as much as it hurts her she has to respect it. She has to trust him. "Do you promise you'll come back?"

"Yes,"

He stands up a little and his lips find hers. Within seconds he is lying on top of her in bed, clothes flying all over the bedroom. It has been so long since the last time they slept together so they try to make up for the lost time.

* * *

He wakes up the next morning and for the first time in 4 months he is actually smiling. He is happy because the woman he loves is sleeping in her arms – not quite soundless – but she is there and she is his. He spotted his old t-shirt on the bed last night but decided to not comment about it. Well, at least for the time being. She shifts a little but her hand remains on his chest. It is like she is holding on to him, never to let him leave her again.

"Good morning," she says with eyes half open.

"Good morning sunshine," he gives her a kiss on the forehead.

For a few minutes they remain silent, cherishing the perfection of this moment right here and now. But then, as he strokes her hand with his thumb he notices the bruise on her upper arm.

"Kens, when did this happen?" he stands up gently touching the bruised area.

"It's nothing," she pulls her hand away from him and gets off the bed looking for her robe.

"Kens I am serious, how did that happen?" he also stands up and quickly puts on his briefs before reaching for her hand once again.

"Last night ok?" she finally admits knowing that he won't let it go.

"What do you mean last night? Did I do this?"

She looks at him silent and that's all the answer he "When did I do this?" panic starts consuming him.

"Well, last night you got a bit …rough,"

Deeks swallows hard unable to believe he hurt her and didn't even realize it. "Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

"I did, but didn't listen," she lets out a deep sigh.

He slowly pulls down her robe from her shoulder to take another look at the bruise. How hard did he hold her in order to hurt her that much? How deep did he fall into oblivion that he didn't even hear her?

"Kens I am so sorry!" he pleads with cracked

"I know you didn't mean to hurt I know you are... not quite yourself right now. But we will fight to get our lives back, OK?" she places her hands on his cheeks and kisses him softly.

"This is exactly why I have to go undercover again. I need to pick up my pieces. I need to pull myself together and come back to you as the man I once was. I will never hurt you and I will never leave you again. I promise."

Unfortunately the clock is ticking and Deeks has to check in the Police Department for the next assignment. A mission that once again, they don't know how long it might take to complete. A mission that he doesn't know if he is even strong and stable enough complete. But then again, he also doesn't know he is going to break his both promises to Kensi within the next couple of months.


End file.
